When do I say yes to marriage?
Copyright © 2017 Daniel A. Burgess, MA LMFT. All Rights Reserved. “Marriage Readiness Questions” danielaburgess.com Copyright
When do I say yes to marriage?
"The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through 'hanging out' or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances" (Dallin H. Oaks, "Divorce," Ensign, May 2007, 70–73).
There is no magic crystal ball to determine if you and your partner are ready to marry. However, there are healthy ways to help assess your readiness for marriage. When I use the term “readiness,” I am more referring to the probability of success. Because truth be told no one is “ready for marriage.” Even among the best of friendships, marriage is challenging. But if you can enter that sacred union with the right tools, awareness, and trust, those challenges can be lighter. The following is a tool to determine one’s readiness for marriage, which has been used by each of my daughters and countless clients. Take note that I am emphasizing “readiness.” This is NOT a tool to determine if you or your partner should say “yes”.
There are 3 sections to the questions; 1. Self-readiness for marriage (18 questions), 2. Should WE get married (13 questions), 3. Future of marriage (7 questions). These are not intended as “yes” or “no” questions. If you complete these questions in a few minutes or even an hour, you are not using the tool to its full potential. It also could mean there is avoidance to the questions. If you struggle to go deep with the questions, how can you expect to connect with yourself and your partner, and navigate the complexities and challenges of marriage? Take your time, be meditative and prayerful as you reflect and ponder each question.
It is my belief and experience the first section is the MOST important to reflect on. If you do not understand yourself — if you don’t have a solid grasp of your own identity as a child of God and as a unique individual — what then are you bringing to the marriage? How will you keep from losing yourself, becoming enmeshed, when life challenges are thrown at you and your relationship? In nearly every struggling relationship I have worked with I hear the following phrase, “I no longer know who I am.” Sometimes I hear “I never knew who I was…”. These were/are good people, faithful individuals who lost their identity in the relationship.
Take your time in sincerely pondering each question.
Self-readiness for marriage:
Do I enjoy being alone or do I have the constant need to be with my partner?
Do I enjoy being with my partner or am I often looking forward to having time without my partner?
How do I define my happiness and who I am right now?
How does getting married change that definition?
What does it mean to me to be married?
What are the advantages of being single?
What are the advantages of being married?
What are the disadvantages of being single?
What are the disadvantages of being married?
Am I happy with who I am; spiritually, physically, emotionally, intellectually while I am alone?
Am I happy with who I am; spiritually, physically, emotionally, intellectually while I am in a relationship?
Does loving my partner inspire me to be a “better person”, to seek a stronger individual relationship with the Savior?
Do I feel like my partner makes me a “better person” while I am with him/her? (This is a potential warning sign of codependency and controlling behavior, or an inappropriate dependence on another to feel motivated to be better.)
Is my relationship greater with Christ and Heavenly Father than with my partner?
What scares me about marriage?
What excites me about marriage?
Am I pushing aside fears, anxieties, and feelings of being overwhelmed regarding marriage by admonishing myself to have greater faith?
Do I ever feel like I have to hide or pretend I am not feeling/experiencing an emotion?
"Bruce C. Hafen has compared relationships between men and women to a pyramid. The base of the pyramid is friendship, and the ascending layers include building blocks such as understanding, respect, and restraint. At the very top is what he terms a 'glittering little mystery called romance.' If one tries to stand the pyramid on its point, expecting romance to hold everything else up, the pyramid will fall ("The Gospel and Romantic Love," Ensign, Oct. 1982, p. 67)" (Jonn D. Claybaugh, "Dating: A Time to Become Best Friends," Ensign, Apr 1994, 19).
2. Should WE get married:
Are you able to completely share all your dreams and desires with your partner?
Do you find yourself deferring to your partner for decision making, ideas, and interests? (Potential of losing one’s individuality)
Are you able to openly, lovingly, maturely, and respectfully discuss sex with your partner prior to marriage?
What is your sexual history: knowledge, understanding, experience?
What do you imagine or believe physical intimacy will be defined as or acceptable in your relationship?
What do you feel is appropriate or not appropriate sexual behavior?
Are you able to share all addictions (out of control behavior, weaknesses, and perceived flaws) safely and without reservation with your partner?
Do you or have you struggled with drugs/substances (whether legal or illegal)?
Do you or have you struggled with any sexual issues:
Do you or have you struggled with pornography?
Do you or have you struggled with masturbation?
Do you or have you struggled with persistent inappropriate thoughts?
Do you or have you struggled with financial issues?
Do you or have you struggled with gambling?
Do you or have you struggled with debt?
Do you or have you struggled with gaming?
Do you or have you struggled with anger?
Do you or have you struggled with lying?
Are there things that you are not open about because you feel it’s been resolved, it’s history, or has been repented of, or believe will not be a problem going forward or in marriage?
Do you ever feel you have to withhold opinions, silliness, thoughts, dreams, personality, fashion, or creativity from your partner?
Do you feel you need to apologize for your partner’s actions or behaviors?
Does your partner’s behavior or actions ever embarrass you?
Does your partner ever treat you in such a way that you feel ashamed or embarrassed?
Have you been open about your mental health history?
Trauma?
Medications?
Recurring issues?
Do you believe and feel your partner is completely open and transparent in all their thoughts, feelings, actions, and emotions?
Are you friends? Or are there miscommunications, disagreements, and lack of connection?
Do you have a “testimony” of your relationship and marriage; a peaceful and clear heart and mind? (If someone were to ask you, “How do you know the gospel is true?” you would likely respond, “I just know,” or “I have a testimony,” or “I have felt a witness of the Holy Ghost.” The answer to “How do I know if I should marry?” is “You just know.” The Holy Ghost will witness it to you as clearly and strongly as He did when witnessing the truth of the gospel to you.)
(Be cautious if you are tempted to dismiss stupors of thought, concerns, anxiousness, lack of clarity, etc. as lack of faith or fear. Anxiety or stupors of thought or a lack of peace and clarity are some of the tools of the Holy Ghost to help us identify unwise choices. Fear is very different; one can be very clear in mind and heart and fear the decision. But if you are not feeling peace and clarity it is a witness that something is not right. Additionally, when it comes to marriage, if there is fear, that individual must either overcome that fear on their own with Father, or NOT marry. Entering marriage with fear will create resentment and problems. If someone other than Father “guides” you or “helps” you through the fear, it is a form of self-betrayal and also has a high probability to create resentment in the marriage.)
"Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty" (President Gordon B. Hinckley "Life's Obligations," Ensign, Feb 1999, 2).
3. Future of marriage:
What are your plans and goals beyond the wedding and reception?
What are your short term goals as a couple; temporal and spiritual?
What are your long term goals as a couple; temporal and spiritual?
Do you have individual goals; temporal and spiritual?
In what ways will you support each other’s dreams and aspirations?
If any of your or your spouse’s addictions or issues reoccur during the marriage, specifically how will it be addressed, handled and, if possible, overcome?
Will you be able to love, adore, and cherish your spouse even in what can be perceived as annoying behavior without the feeling need to change, criticize, tease, or complain?
Copyright © 2017 Daniel A. Burgess, MA LMFT. All Rights Reserved. “Marriage Readiness Questions” danielaburgess.com Copyright
