Betrayal Trauma and Recovery

Dec 1

Betrayal trauma is disheartening and destructive. It is critical to be a trauma informed therapist when working with clients who have been abused.

I will never forget the evening I met with ‘Devon’ and ‘Emma’, a couple seeking support for “communication issues.” The moment they sat in front of me I knew something wasn’t right. Only those who have experienced the insidiousness of covert narcissisms and gaslighting can understand and appreciate what I saw in this couples’ dynamic. But it was simultaneously so subtle and pervasive, that it felt surreal and nauseating. Immediately, I requested to meet with them separately. Devon, as I expected, was reluctant and frustrated. I was not surprised that Emma responded uncomfortably. Those who have been in Emma’s shoes know how risky it is to have their abuser separated in these situations. What proceeded over the next few weeks and months was a carefully laid out action plan to protect and support Emma from ten years of emotional and spiritual abuse.

Prior to meeting with me, the husband had leveraged meetings with ecclesiastical leadership as ‘counseling’ in order to perpetuate his abuse. He knew his leadership was not trained to identify abuse, and so he was able to manipulate his ecclesiastical leadership. Unfortunately these loving Bishops who thought they were promoting a healthy relationship were perpetuating an environment of abuse. One of the ways the husband manipulated his leadership was that he convinced them to have him present at all meetings with his wife; this allowed him to control the narrative by fabricating, gaslighting and embellishing detailed lies. The only reason why Devon and Emma finally came to a marriage therapist was because their current Bishop was at his wits end and didn’t know what else to do after years of repeated issues. Devon reluctantly decided to see a counselor, at the insistence of his bishop, but purposely chose a male therapist—assuming he could ‘win’ me over. Fortunately for the wife, I have been trained in and have experience identifying abusive behaviors.

Navigating this discovery of abuse was a fragile line to walk as a therapist. If Devon knew I was on to him, he could invent an elaborate lie to either switch therapists or stop seeing a therapist altogether. Inherently, as a therapist and a human-being, I desired the safety and well-being of Emma. In short, I’m happy to say that Emma was able to eventually distance herself from the husband, heal, and learn to see and identify these dangerous behaviors. It wasn’t a fast and easy process for her, but I am happy to report that she is now thriving, self-aware, and learning how to live within healthy boundaries.

Betrayal trauma—and abuse of any kind—needs to be taken seriously and navigated by those who are experienced with this type of abuse. What is so dangerous about emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, and betrayal is that it is hard to put your finger on it. The abuser usually has spent years crafting lies and stories, leading the abused individual to struggle with identifying reality. If you feel you are in a relationship like this, trust your gut. Additionally, I would recommend reading Dr. Susan Forward’s book Emotional Blackmail which I’ve linked at the end of the article. You can also find a summary of the book’s concepts here: Emotional Blackmail website: Out of the F.O.G.

For the Ecclesiastical leaders, friends, and family reading this: you can support your loved ones by learning as much as you can about how to identify emotional, spiritual, and betrayal abuse. There is a significant amount of research and information available now and I’ve linked to some of those resources at the end of this article. While there are many good resources, there are also significant amounts of really bad and dangerous information. Unfortunately, there are many betrayal trauma therapists and support groups, which I believe are well-intended—but they fail to adequately distinguish abuse from maladaptive relationships.

Over the years I have worked with many couples who have experienced betrayal. There are few things in a relationship that are more devastating than to discover your loved one has been unfaithful. Fortunately for a large majority of those I've worked with, the betrayal and abuse have not been as severe as Devon and Emma’s, and not only was healing experienced but a thriving marriage became possible.

However, for those couples who struggled to experience healing and eventually separated—there was one common factor. Even with all the complexities involved in betrayal and recovery, the consistent factor in each case was the wife* was seeing a "betrayal trauma" therapist or following a betrayal trauma support group. More specifically, when the betrayed partner views the betrayal in the context of betrayal trauma theories, the betrayer is villainized with little or no opportunity to improve, change, or repent of their behavior. Furthermore, the couple is further divided with little to no skills learned or acquired in order to overcome and work together through the betrayal successfully.

*I emphasize “wife” here not to perpetuate stereotypes, but to reflect on the fact that the large majority of these support groups are female-centric.

As an advocate of support groups, I'm a huge believer in finding groups to help navigate a variety of mental health issues. However—from my professional experience and research—it appears that for a majority of betrayal trauma counselors and support groups, the good they are offering is too frequently drowned out by toxic or harmful views. In a recent broadcast by “Rethinking Porn Addiction,” Nate and Angilyn Bagley share their personal experience with betrayal along with some of the best experts on the topic. They discovered how viewing their partner through a betrayal trauma lens was doing more harm than good for them individually and as a couple.

I am sure there are exceptions out there, but from a deep dive into multiple programs and interviews, there is a visible pattern of skewed and misrepresented psychology. Some groups and/or individuals have even outright declared that only women can experience betrayal. In most cases these groups escalate trauma in the wife, promote unhealthy stereotypes, and demonize the husband. I want to be clear—I am not categorically saying all betrayal trauma therapists and groups are harmful, but caution must be used in what resources and therapist to use. In a podcast with Anarie we discussed the benefits of betrayal trauma work and how to find the right resources; learn more here: Betrayal Trauma: Anarie's Journey and Betrayal Trauma: Anarie's Definition of Success.

The psychological construct that is often in these groups is taught as a dogmatic narrative. The husband can never be good enough and regardless of the husband’s desire to heal and improve—they are viewed as gaslighters, narcissists, and horrible people. Although we are never responsible for other’s behavior, these groups promote a discouraging concept that husbands have no right to be hurt or negatively influenced by the wife's abusive behavior. These groups for the most part do not educate or encourage improved relationship behavior, rather cold and harsh criticism under the guise of “boundaries”. In fact, I am confident that anyone who has been through betrayal trauma counseling will label this very post as arrogant, manipulative, and gaslighting.

The term ‘gaslighting’ has almost completely lost its meaning due to various definitions or uses ranging from the wide and loosely applied description given to anyone accidentally misspeaking, to identifying literal gaslighters whose entire purpose is to make one feel and believe they are sick and crazy. The term ‘gaslight’ has become a catch-all phrase and is weaponized to the point that people accuse others of gaslighting because they disagree with them. Other terms like narcissist and sociopath are quickly becoming overused to describe people who experience any emotion differently. My heart breaks over seeing mothers in these betrayal trauma groups refer to their difficult teenager as ‘gaslighting’ and struggling spouses attempting to emotionally connect as abusers. The sad irony is that those who misuse the term ‘gaslighting’ are often the ones doing the very thing they are labeling and accusing others of doing.

Alfred MacDonald has one of the best explanations of the misuse of gaslighting, in his article, “Gaslighting: what it isn’t”:

If you wish to apply gaslighting to a set of behaviors, simply discrediting someone’s emotions doesn’t qualify as gaslighting. The litmus test for gaslighting by all authoritative definitions has been a dishonest and manipulative attempt to deny reality to the person on the receiving end of gaslighting. So, for example, an attempt to make that person believe that actions which most certainly happened haven’t actually happened. You can understand how some people would get the impression that calling someone crazy qualifies as this, because someone could say “you’re crazy, that never happened” — but merely telling someone they are being dramatic does not qualify as abuse, in any way, nor does telling someone they are being too sensitive qualify as abuse on its own.
Let me reiterate: no matter what you define gaslighting as, telling someone they are being dramatic or too sensitive or that they can’t take a joke in no way, shape or form qualifies as abuse on its own. Even repeatedly. There must be an aspect of denial of a factual event integrated with the accusations of oversensitivity.
To clarify what I mean by “denial of a factual event”, I have constructed a set of examples to distinguish between actual gaslighting and not gaslighting at all.
Actual gaslighting: A wife witnesses her husband cheating on her. He starts an ongoing campaign to make her believe this event was false and that her perception of reality is incorrect. “No, you’re crazy.” When she insists that she saw what she saw, he retorts with “why are you being so emotional?”
Not gaslighting: A husband repeatedly tells jokes that offend his wife. “Why are you being so sensitive?”, he asks. “You take offense to things way too easily.” She starts to doubt her own judgment — but not because of any abusive reason.
Actual gaslighting: A boyfriend and girlfriend are having an intense argument when he hits her repeatedly. Several days later, she calls the police, but there is no proof. He insists that she is delusional to the police. When she confronts him about this in private, he insists that she imagined it, and repeatedly calls her crazy for recalling the event. She begins to doubt her own memory.
Not gaslighting: James is dating Rebecca, whose political ideology he opposes. James frequently comments on Rebecca’s articles with dramatic and overblown emotional language. Rebecca insists that he’s being overly emotional, and that he should stop doing that. He says she’s trying to diminish the importance of his point by gaslighting him.
Actual gaslighting: A son witnesses his mom snorting meth in the pantry, when he previously did not know his mom did drugs at all. Since this event is so anomalous, he has a hard time believing it. She insists that he imagined it — she was just dusting the pantry. But since this image was so vivid, he insists he believed it. She starts to discredit his statement, saying that he is delusional, that he is too emotional, and that he doesn’t have a grip on reality. He begins to doubt his own sense of reality and she uses this as a basis for additional lies.
Gaslighting: what it isn't

It is heartbreaking to see couples who have experienced heartache and betrayal get led down a path of escalating trauma from support groups who claim to help individuals heal from trauma. For example, ‘Jason’ came to me, weighed down by his guilt that he was having romantic thoughts of another woman at work. There was never any inappropriate conversation, nor inappropriate behavior on his part. However, while at work one day he was wondering why he was feeling attracted to this coworker which led him to a series of thoughts that made him realize how distant he and his wife had become over 20 years. He craved meaningful conversations and felt dismissed by his wife a lot. On many occasions, he attempted to open his heart to her but she never engaged. Knowing he needed to figure out how to reconnect with his wife ‘Laural’, he decided to bring her to counseling. They quickly made connections with some basic guidance and psychoeducation. With some minor and expected difficulty, both Jason and Laural were on a path to a new and improved relationship. However, what success they gained was quickly reversed when Laural’s individual counselor told her she was betrayed by Jason and that he had had an “emotional affair.”

Laural and Jason went from rekindling love and flourishing in weekly date nights to Laural setting firm boundaries and impossible expectations. Over the course of a year, Laurel’s behavior would escalate to spying on Jason, accusing him of seeing this coworker, and reporting to authorities that she was concerned he might kill her and the kids. Jason was not, nor had he ever been, a violent person. Aside from mild to high frustration with work and raising kids, he has never been aggressive in any way to indicate she or the kids were in danger. But because Laural had been learning about covert narcissism and how the “good guys” are the most dangerous, she began to view Jason through a distorted lens. Any time Jason attempted to meet Laural’s expectations, he was accused of manipulating her. Whenever he failed to meet Laural’s expectations, she accused him of not caring.

While each relationship is different, Laural and Jason's example is not the exception or rarity. Both Jason and Laural had very different communication styles and they both came from very different family cultures—but they were two great people who had an opportunity to change and improve their relationship. Instead of viewing Jason’s humbling discovery as an opportunity to reset and rediscover each other, his discovery was viewed as an impossible obstacle to overcome. It’s essential to learn healthy boundaries, identify red flags, and to NEVER tolerate abusive behavior. But it is equally important to learn healthy marital connection, vulnerability, and recovery; which help identify red flags and establish healthy boundaries. These can be taught parallelly in a productive way. Focusing on betrayal only increases toxic behavior from both partners, in a self-fulling way. Focusing on recovery only runs the risk of ignoring dangerous behavior.

Marriage and parenting are, in my opinion, two of the most ill-prepared activities we humans engage in. Yet we demand our spouses to be expert communicators, lovers, and partners. When marriages get tough, many couples seem to expect far more from each other than they ever have examples of doing. It doesn’t matter what 20-plus years of family origin culture, triggers, and poor coping skills each has lived with—couples demand so much, so quickly, with little or no understanding of how to have to a good marriage. Furthermore, couples often have a skewed or unrealistic view of what a healthy loving marriage looks and feels like.

Betrayal should never happen—and there are definitely individuals who are narcissists and need to be cut off—but the large majority, at least in my experience, of those who experience betrayal in some way are good people and/or couples who have suffered from years of unhealthy communication, clashing of family cultures, poor understanding of sexual health, and a lack of knowledge for how to get quality help. Everyone deserves an opportunity to heal and thrive. Great marriages can leverage difficult experiences, including betrayal, to reshape their partnership into something more positive than they ever knew could happen. I have seen it repeatedly.

Again, I am not discouraging all betrayal trauma groups or therapists. I’ve spoken to a few who have found great value in these resources, without allowing it to become the lens they viewed their spouse through. They equally pursued engaging and healthy improvements—as a team—in their marriage.

If you have had a positive experience with a betrayal therapist or group, I would appreciate your referral/recommendation so I can add to a list of trusted therapists.

If you’re interested in learning more about recovering from betrayal or other hurtful relationship problems in a healthy way, please feel free to reach out.

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