The Unintelligent Parent

The following is an excerpt from Relief Society Magazine: Guide Lessons For April 1927 Lesson IV Social Service (Fourth Week in April).

Emotional Problems of Childhood—Jane and Henrietta 

Serious and difficult emotional problems are presented by the two adolescent girls, Jane and Henrietta. Both were the victims of unintelligent parents. The basis of these problems is not uncommon in adolescent development because of lack of understanding by their parents; one girl was on the verge of a mental breakdown, and the other was contemplating suicide. Both suffered these serious emotional upsets because of the lack of sex education and guidance.

It will be remembered from the introductory discussion of emotional problems that the individual has three dominant instincts or urges—the ego, or self; the herd, or social; and the sex or love instinct. The three instincts all seek expression, and if thwarted or frustrated cause emotional disturbances the individual expresses his ego urge by accomplishing certain ends and experiencing the joy and satisfaction of expression. He satisfies his social urge by gaining the confidence and approval of his family, playmates, and friends. In the studies of the emotional problems of childhood, it has been pointed out that the failure to gain normal expression or the failure to gain approval seriously affects the development of the child. His defeats, and unhappiness, and sense of failure deeply affect his emotional life, limiting his development, and making his conduct abnormal.

In our home and school life the tendency has been to ignore inquiry into the other important instinct, sex. The subject has been a taboo. Because sex has been recognized as a compelling life force, but its aspects have not been generally understood, the whole subject has taken on an atmosphere of morbid secrecy.

Sex education is the responsibility of the home. The first questions of the origin and development of life are asked in the home. The relation between parents, the relation between parents and their children, the attitude of brothers and sisters toward one another, and toward their friends, are all phases of sex relationships, and depend on wholesome; home guidance to lead the child to normal, healthful attitudes.

The method of sex education will not be the subject of this discussion, for the subject itself deserves special attention and study. The purpose of studying the problems of Jane and Henrietta is to observe the real dangers and pitfalls that endanger adolescents if, through lack of home guidance, they have wrong information concerning sex, and unwholesome attitudes because of their misconceptions.

Jane at nineteen was at the beginning of a mental breakdown she was suffering from what is known as an anxiety neurosis. This condition was the result of a secret worry that she had tried to crowd out of her conscious life. In spite of her effort to forget her worry, the unconscious mind kept harboring and remembering until she came near a breakdown All her anxiety, and nervousness, and weeping, and unhappiness, were the result of wrong sex information given her by her mother. She had at twelve, and again at sixteen met an experience not at all uncommon in childhood. Her mother had observed that she masturbated—practiced self-abuse—and had used the unintelligent method of correcting her by telling the child that she would go crazy if she did not stop the practice.

The mother filled the child's life with fear, shame and inferiority. The (girl felt herself unclean and unfit for friendships and love. The shame and self-reproach continued, for at no time was she given frank, sound, sex information.

Her other home guidance was also harmful. Her mother was most rigid and severe in her regulations concerning her friends and social life, and this close supervision intensified her feeling of weakness and impending dangers.

When she was given a frank explanation of the function of sex by the physician she consulted, her danger was past. Her doubts and fears disappeared as soon as the atmosphere of secrecy and accompanying feeling of shame were removed.

Our author states that this practice occurs frequently among children, and should call for attention but not anxiety. The hazard is not the effect on the mind or body, but the fears and anxieties aroused by the method of correction. Parents should not express horror or instill fears to meet this behavior difficulty. Sympathetic understanding, patient teaching, and frankness by the parents will lead the child more readily to overcome the practice, and will not undermine his confidence and self-esteem.

Henrietta at sixteen found life dull, and contemplated self-destruction. Her thinking then led her to consider finding pleasure and securing pretty clothes by pursuing a course already adopted by her sister. Her poverty, her lack of normal childhood amusement, made the course of abandoning her moral principles seem exciting and attractive.

It is not fair to pass judgment on Henrietta and girls in her position, for the attitude they develop. Youth is a time for amusements and gaieties, and if no wholesome recreation is afforded young persons, it is quite natural for them to seek it in thoughtless and unwise channels.

The developing sex impulse in adolescents needs to be better understood by parents. In homes where boys and girls meet frequently to play and dance and enjoy youth together, there is no great occasion for alarm. Where this harmless, natural association is denied, either by lack of a pleasant home or by too rigid puritanical standards, the frustrated impulse may lead to real difficulties.

Henrietta's difficulties were both the lack of frank instruction, and the lack of constructive direction. The importance of children gaining their information regarding matters of health, of the life processes, and the ideal of parenthood in a sane, natural way, cannot be over-emphasized. In homes where questions are evaded and the subject of sex physiology and development is left a mystery, the child's curiosity is not only stimulated but he develops a morbid attitude toward the whole subject. He then gains his information from sources such as his gang, and lurid magazines, and his entire conception of the part of sex in life becomes distorted. It becomes an unspeakable subject, one from which he gains an unwholesome pleasure in discussing and contemplating its unsavory aspects. The very mystery that his parents place upon the subject makes his attitude abnormal, morbid and unwholesome.

The child who receives frank answers to his early questions, and who has his own development explained to him in terms of ideals of parenthood is protected from this unpleasant and harmful speculation. Fore-armed with sound, accurate information from the parents whose sincerity he does not doubt, he will be able to dismiss the misinformation that he will later hear from his crowd or gang. He will also be spared the emotional upset when he finally realizes that his parents have deliberately given him false information.

Henrietta had further difficulty besides the lack of instruction. Her home had given her no opportunity for the outlet of her emotional interests. The release of this emotional energy is important to give the individual normal stable personality. The inherent craving of individuals for emotional satisfaction is termed the libido. If the libido finds expression for its great store of energy in harmless channels, the individual maintains a normal attitude towards life, and normal interests in the affairs of everyday living. If the libido finds no opportunity for release, that is, finds no emotional satisfaction in the daily associations, and in the regular scheme of living, the libido will find an outlet in some other channel, which may have undesirable effects on the person.

In terms of Henrietta her libido found no wholesome outlet. Her natural craving for emotional satisfaction was frustrated. Her parents did not realize how important these satisfactions are, until the effect of her barren emotional life was explained to them.

The libido can find expression and satisfaction in many channels. Affection and appreciation in the home are sources of emotional release. Games, parties, outdoor sports, recreation, new clothes, success in work, are all easily recognized as sources of emotional satisfaction, and releases of emotional energy.

Henrietta responded to the treatment prescribed, and her nearsighted plans of securing clothes and pleasures by sacrificing her standards was forgotten. She was not scolded, nor lectured, nor criticized. No attempt was made to change her attitude by discussing her responsibilities and duties. Her thwarted emotional life made an intellectual appeal futile.

The treatment outlined was agreeable work away from home, where she found pleasure in her work and in being with children. Her earnings made it possible for her to gain other small pleasures in the way of recreation. Her days that had been spent in pent up brooding were now changed to active happy ones.

It is apparent that wholesome activity, recreation and pleasant associations are normal releases of the emotional life. Associations should be varied. There is some danger of too strong attachment between parents and children or two children. A mother, especially a widowed one, might devote herself too entirely to her only son or daughter. Two friends of the opposite sex at. too early an age may make emotional ties that are upsetting when the necessity rises for separation. Two friends of the same sex may also become too dependent on each other for their later happiness.

There are types of individuals who do not mingle with groups readily or frequently. Such social expression as possible should be encouraged in these persons, but it must be remembered that the emotional energy can find expression in channels other than amusement. Creative work of any kind has been identified with emotional life. Any expression, whether through poetry, painting, music or other creative work, gives the person a real emotional satisfaction. This expression through creative effort, known as sublimation is the sex impulse released through other channels.

The program of sex education is based on frank information given by parents to children, and also on the direction of the emotional energy into channels of work, recreation, activity, and of its sublimation to satisfying, useful forms of expression.

Reference -- The Challenge Of Childhood by Ira S.Wile, pages 215-227

Questions and Problems

1. Why is frank sex information to children important?

2. Why should this information be given in the home ?

3. What is meant by the libido?

4. How can the libido find expression in normal channels?

5. What are normal emotional satisfactions for adolescents?

6. What are the dangers of lack of emotional expression?

7. What treatment was outlined for Henrietta?

8. What is meant by sublimation?

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1. The Relief Society magazine : Organ of the Relief Society of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://archive.org/stream/reliefsocietymag14reli#page/102

2. The Challenge Of Childhood. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://archive.org/stream/in.ernet.dli.2015.274695/2015.274695.The-Challenge#page/n227

Oral Sex

Exploring the Appropriateness of Oral Sex in Marital Intimacy: A Comprehensive Analysis of LDS Church Teachings

Exploring the LDS Church's stance on intimate behaviors within marriage and the cultural and moral inconsistencies that arise

[Editors Note, March 2021: This blog post refers to content that could be found in the LDS Handbook 2. Since this blog was published, that Handbook has now been marked as “obsolete,” and the Church’s website will redirect you to its current handbook. Please keep in mind that some of the quotes/phrases debated in this blog post no longer exist in updated church literature.]

Introduction

The appropriateness of oral sex within a marital relationship has been a topic of great debate for years. This discussion has led to confusion and misinterpretation of various teachings, creating moral and spiritual inconsistency within our culture. This article aims to provide a comprehensive analysis of the LDS Church's stance on intimate behaviors within marriage and the resulting inconsistencies that arise from the debate. By dissecting the official LDS Handbook 2, exploring cultural confusion, and examining the implications of past teachings, we aim to shed light on the question: Is oral sex an appropriate sexual behavior, or is it an "unnatural" and "unholy" sexual practice?

LDS Handbook 2 on Sexual Behavior in Marriage

The official LDS Handbook 2: Administering the Church provides limited guidance on sexual behavior in marriage, stating the following:

"Married couples should also understand that sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation but also as a way of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife." (21.4.4 Birth Control) [1]

"The Lord’s law of chastity is abstinence from sexual relations outside of lawful marriage and fidelity within marriage. Sexual relations are proper only between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife. Adultery, fornication, homosexual or lesbian relations, and every other unholy, unnatural, or impure practice are sinful. Members who violate the Lord’s law of chastity or who influence others to do so are subject to Church discipline." (21.4.5 Chastity and Fidelity) [2]

These two quotes provide general guidance but do not offer explicit instruction on specific behaviors within marriage. The debate on the appropriateness of oral sex within marriage arises from the phrase "...and every other unholy, unnatural, or impure practice are sinful."

Cultural Confusion and Subjectivity

The phrase mentioned above has led to differing interpretations and confusion among church members. In their book "Real Intimacy: A Couples' Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality," authors Thomas G. Harrison, Kristin B. Hodson, and Alisha Worthington address this cultural confusion:

"There is a quote from a handbook produced by the LDS Church that advises people to guard against anything "unnatural" within the bonds of their sexual relationship. This is where semantics come into play. What exactly does "unnatural" mean? Is it "unnatural to stick your tongue in your spouse's ear because the ear isn't a "natural" place for a tongue to go? Some people interpret "unnatural" to mean anything other than the traditional missionary sexual position, while others have a much broader definition of the word. Who is right?" (Real Intimacy, pg. 98) [3]

The subjectivity of the term "unnatural" has led to a variety of opinions, some even claiming that sex for any purpose other than procreation is unnatural and an abuse of sacred power. Others argue that oral sex, specifically, is an "unholy, unnatural, or impure practice," often citing President Kimball's January 5, 1982, letter to leadership: "...The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an 'unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.'" [4]

Contextual Issues with Quoting President Kimball's Letter

There are at least three significant issues with quoting President Kimball's letter out of context.

First, the quote often omits the following sentence: "If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it." [5] This sentence highlights the importance of individual conscience, but it also raises additional questions regarding the influence of family, culture, taboo, and traditions on feelings of being "troubled" by specific behaviors.

Second, the January 5, 1982 letter was specifically addressed to the interviewing leadership of the Church. The First Presidency emphasized the importance of saving souls and provided guidance on conducting worthiness interviews. In the context of discussing "no unclean thing" entering the temple, they list several potential "unclean" practices, including oral sex. However, it can be interpreted that the context implies oral sex as an abuse of power within a marriage. Thus, oral sex, when engaged in mutually and without coercion, is between the couple and the Lord and is not inherently abusive or unnatural. [6]

Third, nine months after the January 5, 1982 letter, the First Presidency issued another letter on October 15, 1982, responding to numerous complaints about the intrusiveness of worthiness interviews. They reminded leaders to follow the "temple recommend book" precisely and not to inquire into personal, intimate matters involving marital relations. Leaders were also instructed not to pursue questions about the propriety of specific conduct if asked by a member. [7]

Despite these clarifications, some members continue to cite the January 5, 1982 letter as evidence that oral sex is an "unnatural, impure, or unholy practice." They often argue that a Prophet's words are as good as a command, citing Doctrine & Covenants 21:4 ("Thou shalt give heed unto all his words and commandments which he shall give unto you"). [8] This selective interpretation creates a paradox in which church members demand clarity in all things while also proclaiming that "it is not meet that [God] should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant" (D&C 58:26). [9]

Moral and Spiritual Inconsistency

The insistence that oral sex (or other sexual behaviors) is an "unnatural, impure, or unholy practice" reveals a moral and spiritual inconsistency in our culture. Those who argue against oral sex often simultaneously argue that birth control is between the couple and the Lord. However, there have been more statements specifically declaring the "evil" and "selfishness" of birth control than those about marital sexual behaviors. [10]

In the past, the LDS Church's position on birth control was more strict, with statements from leaders condemning its use. However, over time, this stance has softened, and the current church teachings allow couples to decide for themselves the appropriateness of using birth control. [11]

Conclusion

The debate surrounding the appropriateness of oral sex within marriage highlights the importance of understanding the context and intent of church teachings. When examining the official LDS Handbook 2, we can see that there is limited guidance on specific sexual behaviors within marriage. The subjectivity of the term "unnatural" has contributed to confusion and varying interpretations among church members.

It is crucial to remember that past teachings must be understood in their proper context, as seen with President Kimball 's January 5, 1982 letter. Failing to consider the context and intent of the letter can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations. The First Presidency's October 15, 1982 letter further emphasizes the importance of respecting the privacy of marital relations and not delving into personal, intimate matters.

The paradox of seeking clarity in all things while asserting that God should not command in all things can create confusion and inconsistency within the church. As church members, it is essential to acknowledge that individual conscience and the relationship between the couple and the Lord should guide marital sexual behavior.

Furthermore, the inconsistency in the cultural perspective on oral sex and birth control illustrates the need for a more comprehensive understanding of the evolution of church teachings. Recognizing the changes in the church's stance on birth control can help provide a more balanced approach to understanding the guidelines around sexual behavior in marriage.

In conclusion, the question of whether oral sex is appropriate sexual behavior within marriage should be approached with understanding, respect, and consideration of the context of church teachings. It is essential to remember that marital sexual behavior is a deeply personal and private matter, and it should be guided by individual conscience and the relationship between the couple and the Lord. Ultimately, open communication, mutual respect, and a shared commitment to nurturing emotional and spiritual bonds can help couples navigate the complexities of sexual intimacy within marriage.

References:

[1] LDS Handbook 2: Administering the Church, 21.4.4 Birth Control

Previous handbook: "Married couples should also understand that sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation, but also as a way of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife."  21.4.4 Birth Control

New Handbook: Physical intimacy between husband and wife is intended to be beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife (see 2.1.2). 38.6.4 Birth Control

[2] LDS Handbook 2: Administering the Church, 21.4.5 Chastity and Fidelity

Previous handbook: "The Lord’s law of chastity is abstinence from sexual relations outside of lawful marriage and fidelity within marriage. Sexual relations are proper only between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife. Adultery, fornication, homosexual or lesbian relations, and every other unholy, unnatural, or impure practice are sinful. Members who violate the Lord’s law of chastity or who influence others to do so are subject to Church discipline."  21.4.5 Chastity and Fidelity

New Handbook: [Removes the language of ‘unholy, unnatural…’] “Physical intimacy between husband and wife is intended to be beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife.” 38.6.5 Chastity and Fidelity

[3] "Real Intimacy: A Couples' Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality" by Thomas G. Harrison,‎ Kristin B. Hodson,‎ Alisha Worthington pg 98

[4] "The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an 'unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.'"

[5] "If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it."

[6] January 5, 1982 letter, context, and interpretation

[7] October 15, 1982 letter, responding to complaints about the intrusiveness of worthiness interviews

[8] Doctrine & Covenants 21:4 ("Thou shalt give heed unto all his words and commandments which he shall give unto you")

[9] Doctrine & Covenants 58:26 ("it is not meet that [God] should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant")

[10] More statements specifically declaring the "evil" and "selfishness" of birth control than those about marital sexual behaviors

• Kimball, S. W. (1969). "The Role of Marriage in America," Ensign, September 1976.

• McConkie, B. R. (1966). "Birth Control: Is It Up to Man?" Ensign, August 1971.

• Benson, E. T. (1972). "To the Mothers in Zion," Ensign, May 1987.

• Smith, J. F. (1907). "Marriage and Birth Control," Juvenile Instructor, vol. 42, pp. 40-41.

• Clark, J. R. (1969). "God's Free Children," Ensign, November 1987.

These sources contain quotes from various LDS leaders in which they explicitly express their opposition to birth control and describe it as "evil" or "selfish." However, it is worth noting that these quotes are not the only statements made by LDS leaders on the topic of birth control, and that there is a range of opinions within the church on this issue.

[11] Evolution of the LDS Church's position on birth control

• Hardy, B. (2018). “Birth Control,” in The Mormon Church and Birth Control: A History. University of Illinois Press.

• Flake, K. (2004). The Politics of American Religious Identity: The Seating of Senator Reed Smoot, Mormon Apostle. UNC Press Books.

• Quinn, D. M. (1997). The Mormon Hierarchy: Extensions of Power. Signature Books.

• Staker, M. A. (2017). “The Birth Control Controversy,” in Hearken, O Ye People: The Historical Setting of Joseph Smith’s Ohio Revelations. Greg Kofford Books.

• Walch, T. (2019). Church Historian’s Press Announces Publication of “The Diaries of Emmeline B. Wells”. Church News.

Applying Lessons Learned

In light of the debate surrounding oral sex and the inconsistencies it reveals in our culture, it is important to apply the lessons learned in our understanding and approach to other aspects of our lives. The following are some key takeaways from this discussion:

1. Context Matters: When interpreting church teachings or any information, it is crucial to consider the context in which the statements were made. This helps to prevent misunderstandings and the perpetuation of misinformation.

2. Respect for Privacy: Personal and intimate matters, such as marital sexual behavior, should be treated with respect and privacy. Intrusive questions and discussions can cause unnecessary discomfort and may lead to the spread of false or outdated information.

3. Emphasize Individual Conscience and Spiritual Guidance: Recognize that individuals and couples have unique experiences and perspectives. Encourage reliance on personal conscience and spiritual guidance from the Lord to navigate the complexities of life, including decisions about sexual intimacy in marriage.

4. Foster Open Communication: Encourage open communication between couples, helping them to discuss their feelings, desires, and concerns about sexual intimacy. This can help to create a healthy foundation for their relationship and ensure mutual understanding and respect.

5. Be Mindful of Cultural Inconsistencies: Acknowledge the potential for cultural inconsistencies in our approach to various topics, such as oral sex and birth control. Seek to understand the evolution of church teachings and strive for a more balanced and informed perspective.

6. Adaptability and Growth: Recognize that church teachings and societal attitudes can change over time. Be open to adapting your understanding and approach to various issues as new information becomes available.

In conclusion, the debate surrounding the appropriateness of oral sex within marriage offers valuable insights into the importance of context, privacy, individual conscience, and open communication. By applying these lessons, church members can cultivate a more balanced, informed, and respectful approach to a wide range of topics and issues. In doing so, they can create an environment that fosters growth, understanding, and spiritual unity.

Additional Resources

LDS therapists often approach the topic of oral sex in the context of a healthy, consensual, and respectful marital relationship. They emphasize the importance of open communication, consent, and individual agency in making decisions about sexual intimacy within marriage. Here are a few quotes and citations from sex-positive LDS therapists:

• Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach who specializes in working with LDS couples, has spoken about the importance of a healthy sexual relationship within marriage. In an interview with Rational Faiths, she said:

"I think people have to be thoughtful and prayerful about their sexual relationship and what feels good to them and what feels right to them. I think it's okay to be uncomfortable and to push your comfort zone some, but I also think it's okay to have your own sense of what feels right to you and to honor that." Link: https://www.finlayson-fife.com/podcasts/conversations-with-dr-jennifer/podcast/rational-faiths

• Natasha Helfer, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist, has addressed the topic of oral sex in the context of LDS marriages. In an article for the Mormon Mental Health Association, she wrote:

"Many couples report that oral sex is an important part of their sexual repertoire and helps increase not only pleasure, but emotional connection and intimacy. As long as both parties feel comfortable and consensual with any sexual activity, there should be no shame or guilt associated with it." Link: https://www.mormonmentalhealthassoc.org/_blog/mmha_blog/post/oral_sex/

• Dr. Kristin Hodson, a licensed clinical social worker and certified sex therapist, co-authored "Real Intimacy: A Couples' Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality," a book for LDS couples seeking to build healthy and satisfying sexual relationships. In the book, Hodson and her co-authors discuss the subjectivity of the term "unnatural" in the context of sexual behaviors:

"What exactly does 'unnatural' mean? Is it 'unnatural' to stick your tongue in your spouse's ear because the ear isn't a 'natural' place for a tongue to go? Some people interpret 'unnatural' to mean anything other than the traditional missionary sexual position, while others have a much broader definition of the word. Who is right?" Link: https://www.amazon.com/Real-Intimacy-Couples-Healthy-Genuine-ebook/dp/B007C8NRC6

• Laura M. Brotherson, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and author of "And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment," has discussed a variety of topics related to sexuality and marriage from an LDS perspective. In her book, she encourages couples to openly communicate about their desires, boundaries, and comfort levels to foster a healthy, satisfying, and intimate connection:

"Mutual understanding and agreement about sexual practices within marriage is essential for a couple's physical and emotional intimacy. This includes discussing and agreeing upon personal preferences and boundaries regarding any aspect of sexual expression, including oral sex." Link: https://www.amazon.com/They-Were-Not-Ashamed-Strengthening/dp/1587830347

• Julie de Azevedo Hanks, a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and owner of Wasatch Family Therapy, has shared her insights on sexual intimacy within marriage from an LDS perspective. In an interview with KSL, she emphasized the importance of communication, consent, and individual agency:

"Every couple needs to decide what they feel comfortable with in their intimate relationship. Couples need to communicate openly about their desires, boundaries, and comfort levels to foster a healthy, satisfying, and intimate connection. This may include discussing preferences and comfort levels regarding oral sex." Link: https://www.ksl.com/article/46430115/ask-an-expert-how-to-talk-to-your-spouse-about-sex

While these LDS therapists may not specifically mention oral sex in their public interviews or writings, their approach to sexual relationships within marriage encourages couples to communicate openly about their desires, boundaries, and comfort levels to foster a healthy, satisfying, and intimate connection, which can include discussing preferences and comfort levels regarding oral sex.

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