When do I say yes to marriage?
"The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through 'hanging out' or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances" (Dallin H. Oaks, "Divorce," Ensign, May 2007, 70–73).
Copyright © 2017 Daniel A. Burgess, MA LMFT. All Rights Reserved. “Marriage Readiness Questions” danielaburgess.com Copyright
When do I say yes to marriage?
"The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through 'hanging out' or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances" (Dallin H. Oaks, "Divorce," Ensign, May 2007, 70–73).
There is no magic crystal ball to determine if you and your partner are ready to marry. However, there are healthy ways to help assess your readiness for marriage. When I use the term “readiness,” I am more referring to the probability of success. Because truth be told no one is “ready for marriage.” Even among the best of friendships, marriage is challenging. But if you can enter that sacred union with the right tools, awareness, and trust, those challenges can be lighter. The following is a tool to determine one’s readiness for marriage, which has been used by each of my daughters and countless clients. Take note that I am emphasizing “readiness.” This is NOT a tool to determine if you or your partner should say “yes”.
There are 3 sections to the questions; 1. Self-readiness for marriage (18 questions), 2. Should WE get married (13 questions), 3. Future of marriage (7 questions). These are not intended as “yes” or “no” questions. If you complete these questions in a few minutes or even an hour, you are not using the tool to its full potential. It also could mean there is avoidance to the questions. If you struggle to go deep with the questions, how can you expect to connect with yourself and your partner, and navigate the complexities and challenges of marriage? Take your time, be meditative and prayerful as you reflect and ponder each question.
It is my belief and experience the first section is the MOST important to reflect on. If you do not understand yourself — if you don’t have a solid grasp of your own identity as a child of God and as a unique individual — what then are you bringing to the marriage? How will you keep from losing yourself, becoming enmeshed, when life challenges are thrown at you and your relationship? In nearly every struggling relationship I have worked with I hear the following phrase, “I no longer know who I am.” Sometimes I hear “I never knew who I was…”. These were/are good people, faithful individuals who lost their identity in the relationship.
Take your time in sincerely pondering each question.
Self-readiness for marriage:
Do I enjoy being alone or do I have the constant need to be with my partner?
Do I enjoy being with my partner or am I often looking forward to having time without my partner?
How do I define my happiness and who I am right now?
How does getting married change that definition?
What does it mean to me to be married?
What are the advantages of being single?
What are the advantages of being married?
What are the disadvantages of being single?
What are the disadvantages of being married?
Am I happy with who I am; spiritually, physically, emotionally, intellectually while I am alone?
Am I happy with who I am; spiritually, physically, emotionally, intellectually while I am in a relationship?
Does loving my partner inspire me to be a “better person”, to seek a stronger individual relationship with the Savior?
Do I feel like my partner makes me a “better person” while I am with him/her? (This is a potential warning sign of codependency and controlling behavior, or an inappropriate dependence on another to feel motivated to be better.)
Is my relationship greater with Christ and Heavenly Father than with my partner?
What scares me about marriage?
What excites me about marriage?
Am I pushing aside fears, anxieties, and feelings of being overwhelmed regarding marriage by admonishing myself to have greater faith?
Do I ever feel like I have to hide or pretend I am not feeling/experiencing an emotion?
"Bruce C. Hafen has compared relationships between men and women to a pyramid. The base of the pyramid is friendship, and the ascending layers include building blocks such as understanding, respect, and restraint. At the very top is what he terms a 'glittering little mystery called romance.' If one tries to stand the pyramid on its point, expecting romance to hold everything else up, the pyramid will fall ("The Gospel and Romantic Love," Ensign, Oct. 1982, p. 67)" (Jonn D. Claybaugh, "Dating: A Time to Become Best Friends," Ensign, Apr 1994, 19).
2. Should WE get married:
Are you able to completely share all your dreams and desires with your partner?
Do you find yourself deferring to your partner for decision making, ideas, and interests? (Potential of losing one’s individuality)
Are you able to openly, lovingly, maturely, and respectfully discuss sex with your partner prior to marriage?
What is your sexual history: knowledge, understanding, experience?
What do you imagine or believe physical intimacy will be defined as or acceptable in your relationship?
What do you feel is appropriate or not appropriate sexual behavior?
Are you able to share all addictions (out of control behavior, weaknesses, and perceived flaws) safely and without reservation with your partner?
Do you or have you struggled with drugs/substances (whether legal or illegal)?
Do you or have you struggled with any sexual issues:
Do you or have you struggled with pornography?
Do you or have you struggled with masturbation?
Do you or have you struggled with persistent inappropriate thoughts?
Do you or have you struggled with financial issues?
Do you or have you struggled with gambling?
Do you or have you struggled with debt?
Do you or have you struggled with gaming?
Do you or have you struggled with anger?
Do you or have you struggled with lying?
Are there things that you are not open about because you feel it’s been resolved, it’s history, or has been repented of, or believe will not be a problem going forward or in marriage?
Do you ever feel you have to withhold opinions, silliness, thoughts, dreams, personality, fashion, or creativity from your partner?
Do you feel you need to apologize for your partner’s actions or behaviors?
Does your partner’s behavior or actions ever embarrass you?
Does your partner ever treat you in such a way that you feel ashamed or embarrassed?
Have you been open about your mental health history?
Trauma?
Medications?
Recurring issues?
Do you believe and feel your partner is completely open and transparent in all their thoughts, feelings, actions, and emotions?
Are you friends? Or are there miscommunications, disagreements, and lack of connection?
Do you have a “testimony” of your relationship and marriage; a peaceful and clear heart and mind? (If someone were to ask you, “How do you know the gospel is true?” you would likely respond, “I just know,” or “I have a testimony,” or “I have felt a witness of the Holy Ghost.” The answer to “How do I know if I should marry?” is “You just know.” The Holy Ghost will witness it to you as clearly and strongly as He did when witnessing the truth of the gospel to you.)
(Be cautious if you are tempted to dismiss stupors of thought, concerns, anxiousness, lack of clarity, etc. as lack of faith or fear. Anxiety or stupors of thought or a lack of peace and clarity are some of the tools of the Holy Ghost to help us identify unwise choices. Fear is very different; one can be very clear in mind and heart and fear the decision. But if you are not feeling peace and clarity it is a witness that something is not right. Additionally, when it comes to marriage, if there is fear, that individual must either overcome that fear on their own with Father, or NOT marry. Entering marriage with fear will create resentment and problems. If someone other than Father “guides” you or “helps” you through the fear, it is a form of self-betrayal and also has a high probability to create resentment in the marriage.)
"Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty" (President Gordon B. Hinckley "Life's Obligations," Ensign, Feb 1999, 2).
3. Future of marriage:
What are your plans and goals beyond the wedding and reception?
What are your short term goals as a couple; temporal and spiritual?
What are your long term goals as a couple; temporal and spiritual?
Do you have individual goals; temporal and spiritual?
In what ways will you support each other’s dreams and aspirations?
If any of your or your spouse’s addictions or issues reoccur during the marriage, specifically how will it be addressed, handled and, if possible, overcome?
Will you be able to love, adore, and cherish your spouse even in what can be perceived as annoying behavior without the feeling need to change, criticize, tease, or complain?
Copyright © 2017 Daniel A. Burgess, MA LMFT. All Rights Reserved. “Marriage Readiness Questions” danielaburgess.com Copyright
The Ideal and the Real: a Reading of Genesis 38 and Judah
All right, fellow Latter-day Saints, let’s have a talk about sexual sins and how we react to them. This is all brought on by this week's Come Follow Me lesson on Alma 39, which has been used as the preeminent scriptural text on how serious sexual sins are. I'm talking about Alma 39:5 "Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?" This verse has traditionally been used to equate sexual immorality next to murder.
Guest post by: Tyson Yapias
All right, fellow Latter-day Saints, let’s have a talk about sexual sins and how we react to them. This is all brought on by this week's Come Follow Me lesson on Alma 39, which has been used as the preeminent scriptural text on how serious sexual sins are. I'm talking about Alma 39:5 "Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?" This verse has traditionally been used to equate sexual immorality next to murder.
Except, does it really mean what we think it means?
I will go over this quickly, as I want to spend most of my time on another scripture passage instead, so I encourage you to read what Michael Ash wrote about Alma 39:5 HERE as well as what my friends at Book of Mormon Central have written about the same thing HERE. Their argument is basically this: Alma was not necessarily equating sexual immorality to the sin next to murder. Rather, that leading others into apostasy is practically "murdering their spirits" and thus that is the sin next to murder. We can see this in Alma 36:13-14 "yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments. Yea, and I had murdered many of his children, or rather led them away unto destruction." Alma caused many people to go down the road of apostasy because he led them astray, and we see he considered his actions to be a form of spiritual murder. Turning to Alma 39 we see that Corianton "abandoned the ministry" (Alma 39:3, 4 & 16) and his actions with the harlot Isabel persuaded the Zoramites to apostatize ("when they saw your conduct they would not believe in my words." (Alma 39:11)). Thus, Corianton's sin was grievous not simply because he had a sexual encounter with a harlot (though, we should recognize that the text is not explicit that he actually did); but because of his actions with Isabel, the Zoramites recognized his hypocrisy and refused to believe the prophet. Mormon is quick to point out that the Zoramites' apostasy is the reason why the great war started (Alma 43:4-5). Their spiritual rebellion leads to social-political rebellion and a terrible military conflict for the Nephites, Lamanites, and Zoramites that lasts for 22 years.
Just so I am not misunderstood, neither myself, BMC or Ash are saying that sexual sins are not serious. Sexual immorality in its many forms can have very profound, drastic, and grievous consequences; and ancient and modern prophets have consistently preached sexual purity as the Lord's standard. Next, I just want to put this out there. When we discuss sexual immorality as Latter-day Saints we tend to weigh any and every sexual sin the same. I will not delve into this here, but if you ask me, pornography use is very different and distinct from pre-marital sex which is very different and distinct from having an extra-marital affair. The consequences and ramifications for each are different, yet we generally tend to lump them all together. My friend, Daniel Burgess, has contributed a lot to this conversation. Again, I don't have the time to get into it, so I will direct you to his blog HERE.
At last, we get to the meat of what I want to talk about today: a reading of Genesis 38, the Joseph in Egypt Narrative, and a good look at the character Judah. I have to give a lot of credit to Ben Spackman for providing the foundation of this reading — in his blog on the Sunday school lessons he addresses Gen 38. I have built heavily on and expanded what he wrote. You can see some of what he has written HERE, HERE and HERE.
The Ideal and the Real: Joseph and Judah in Egypt
Genesis chapters 37-50 are one cohesive story, but when we study it we typically cut it into two pieces, and we throw out Genesis 38 because it’s just weird. This, I think, causes us to miss the important story markers that connect the chapters at the beginning to the chapters at the end. Also, Gen 38 is one of my favorite chapters in the whole Old Testament because of what it does to Judah's character. I really think Judah is the hero of the story (the whole Joseph in Egypt story), a hero that we overlook because we only focus on Joseph. Judah represents the real human, while Joseph is an ideal human. I think we can all, and shouldn’t be ashamed, to see Judah in all of us.
In Genesis 37 we are introduced to Joseph — the dreamer, and favorite of his father — and we also meet his jealous brothers. Joseph tells his family about his dreams. I think we tend to idealize Joseph and ignore how much of a brat he is about all this. Additionally, I think revenge is on his mind when he sees in brothers in Egypt, and not a "test to see if they changed". But that is an aspect of the story that I don't want to focus on for our purposes today. Joseph, after all, represents the ideal, so we can keep him that way. Joseph never does wrong, keep that in mind. When Joseph went out to the fields to visit his brothers, and they conspired to initially kill him, Ruben, the eldest son, persuaded them to just throw him in a pit (Genesis 38:20–22). Ruben is the oldest, therefore he is supposed to be the leader. But his leadership fails. It is Judah, though, who takes charge of the brothers and changes the plan. “What profit is it if we slay our brother, and conceal his blood? Come, and let us sell him to the Ishmeelites, and let not our hand be upon him; for he is our brother and our flesh. And his brethren were content” (Genesis 37:26–27). Judah is perfectly content with selling another human being.
Joseph is then sold as a slave. His precious coat is torn and presented to Jacob. The brothers ask Jacob to “know now whether it be thy son’s coat or no” (Genesis 37:32). The Hebrew root for the word “know” is nakar which means to know, recognize, discern.[1] This word is important as it’s the word the connects all the chapters together. It is then in Genesis 38 that the story moves to Judah and Tamar. Some scholars have argued that this chapter represents an interruption in the Joseph narrative,[2] yet it has several prominent features that contribute to a unity of the larger narrative in Genesis 37–48. In Genesis 38, Tamar marries Er, the son of Judah. For whatever reason, God smites him and he dies. Following the not-yet-codified levirate law of marriage[3] in order to raise a child for the lost son Er, Tamar marries Judah’s next son, Onan. While the KJV beats around the bush, but the NRSV clearly states what his sin is (Gen 38:9 NRSV). Onan has sex with Tamar but pulls out in order to prevent her from having a child that would legally not be his. Thus, he too is killed by God. Judah, having lost two sons refused to give his third son to Tamar, “lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren did” (Genesis 38:11). Because Judah would not give his next son to Tamar, the duty of raising a child in the name of Er falls to Judah himself. To get Judah to fulfill his culturally acceptable obligations Tamar crafts a plan. She dresses up as a harlot and encounters Judah. He begins the negotiations to a sexual encounter, but since he has nothing to give her, Tamar requests his signet, bracelet and staff as a “pledge,” or “surety.” This is equivalent to what we would call a security deposit. They agree that Judah would later bring a goat to her as payment and she would return his signet, bracelet and staff. Judah is perfectly content to buy another human being.
Judah conducts his business, and Tamar goes her way never coming back to collect the goat. (An important detail connecting this chapter to the rest is that a goat is used in the deception plot, first to Jacob by the brothers, and now by Tamar to deceive Judah) Months later, when Judah finds out she is pregnant he summons her so that she may be executed by fire (Genesis 38:24). Yet, Tamar produces Judah’s signet, bracelet and staff and says “Discern, I pray thee, whose are these, the signet, and bracelets, and staff” (Genesis 38:25). Here we see the same root, nakar, translated as “discern.” These two instances are the only times this word appears in this same form in the entire Bible, and not by chance, this is a deliberate connection. We see the same root appear again in Gen 42:7-8, discernment is a theme running through all these chapters. Judah recognizes his error and pronounces a blessing for her and a condemnation for himself. “She hath been more righteous than I” (Genesis 38:26). This is a sincere recognition of his guilt. According to 1 Chron. 4:21 the first son of Shelah was named Er, thus supporting the notion that Judah did eventually let Tamar marry Shelah and that his first son was given to the line of dead brother thus fulfilling that law. Judah not only recognized his wrong, he accepted it and he corrected it.
The next time we see Judah he is a completely changed person.
The narrative then moves to Joseph in Egypt. First, he is in Potiphar’s house, where Potiphar’s wife tries to seduce Joseph (Genesis 39:12). This event is meant to be juxtaposed with Judah’s actions in Genesis 38. Often, Joseph is praised as the ideal that everyone should aspire to be like, since he flees from temptation. We are constantly taught to be like Joseph, especially in sexual matters. I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with holding this high ideal. However, I think we can see sometimes that when kids hear “be like Joseph” but then when they make a mistake they may think they can never go back to being like Joseph. This ideal standard is just not the reality for many good kids. On the other hand, Judah embodies reality. Everyone makes mistakes, even grave ones, yet there is still room for redemption. Let us continue.
Joseph is then imprisoned until he interprets Pharaoh’s dream of the seven years of plenty and seven years of famine. Pharaoh promotes Joseph to be in charge of preparations for the famine. After the famine begins, Joseph’s brothers go to Egypt to buy food. Joseph recognizes his brothers, but they don’t recognize him (Genesis 42:7–8). The word nakar appears here again. During the first visit, Joseph takes Simeon hostage until they bring Benjamin to him (Genesis 42:20, 24). It is during Joseph’s tests of his brothers that we see the repentant man Judah has become. Back in Canaan, the family runs out of food and they must go back to Egypt. Jacob does not consent to Ruben’s pleading to let them take Benjamin (Genesis 42:36–38). Again, Ruben is supposed to be the leader, but he fails a second time. It is Judah who successfully persuades Jacob to release Benjamin into his care. “And Judah said unto Israel his father, Send the lad with me, and we will arise and go; that we may live, and not die, both we, and thou, and also our little ones. I will be surety for him; of my hand shalt thou require him: if I bring him not unto thee, and set him before thee, then let me bear the blame for ever” (Genesis 43:8–9). Jacob believes he has lost two sons, yet Judah successfully persuades him to surrender a third son. This is juxtaposed with Judah's own actions regarding his sons and Tamar in Gen 38. Back in Egypt, Joseph ensnares Benjamin in a plot. It is Judah’s heartfelt pleading (Genesis 44:18–34) that ultimately persuades Joseph to give up his ruse and reveal himself to his brothers. Judah has the longest monologue in the book of Genesis, thus his words are special. This is not the same Judah who used and abused other people in the past. He is a different, more noble man, because he recognized the gravity of his sins and repented. Where before, Judah was willing to sell and buy other people, here we see Judah is willing to put forward himself as the price or “surety” (another word that shows up here and Gen 38) for another person. Not only does he say he is willing to do so, but when Joseph ensnares Benjamin in the scheme, Judah demonstrates his complete willingness to become Joseph’s slave (Genesis 44:33). This is what finally makes Joseph break down and reveal himself. And they all live happily ever after.
As a side note, this whole narrative is etiological in that it explains how the tribes of Judah and Ephraim (Joseph) become the tribes that rule over the kingdoms of Israel, and why Ruben loses out on the leadership role. So even from an exegetical perspective, the Bible recognizes that Judah’s change in character is the reason why the kings come from him. Joseph is the ideal: never sin, always run from sin. Judah on the other hand is the real. We do sin. It is not ok to sin, because sin separates us from God. But if and when we sin, things can be made good and right. The power of Christ’s atonement reaches even sinners. This is clear from ancient and modern prophets. This is why I think us saints can all appreciate Judah, and that we need to see him as the hero of the story. In different ways we are all Judah. And if people who suffer from sexual sins (and any sin really) recognize that the scriptures depict Judah in all his wickedness rising with grace, I think that can be inspiring. It is especially the sexual nature of Judah’s sin with Tamar that is most applicable for the purposes of the subject of Alma 39. Even if people sin, the world is not permanently ruined, the power of Christ's atonement is still in effect if those people will use it, because it is truly infinite. There are of course consequences, but things can still be made right. That is the reality of things. We can hold to ideals, and we should. At the same time, we must recognize the reality of this fallen world: We are all sinners and come short of the glory of God, and yet no matter what our sins are and despite all, we do it is through the grace of Jesus that we are saved.
Guest post by: Tyson Yapias
Faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Scholar, Chaplain, Marine and Soldier. I love Star Wars and Mormonism, as well as scriptural exegesis and theology.
[1] Francis Brown, S. R. Driver, and Charles A. Briggs, The Brown-Driver-Briggs Hebrew and English Lexicon (Peapody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, 1997), 647–48.[2] Harold W. Attridge et. al., The Harper Collins Study Bible (Sacramento: HarperCollins Publishers, 2006), 62.[3] The Law of Moses codifies this in Deuteronomy 25:5–10.