Betrayal Trauma and Recovery
Betrayal trauma is disheartening and destructive. It is critical to be a trauma informed therapist when working with clients who have been abused.
I will never forget the evening I met with ‘Devon’ and ‘Emma’, a couple seeking support for “communication issues.” The moment they sat in front of me I knew something wasn’t right. Only those who have experienced the insidiousness of covert narcissisms and gaslighting can understand and appreciate what I saw in this couples’ dynamic. But it was simultaneously so subtle and pervasive, that it felt surreal and nauseating. Immediately, I requested to meet with them separately. Devon, as I expected, was reluctant and frustrated. I was not surprised that Emma responded uncomfortably. Those who have been in Emma’s shoes know how risky it is to have their abuser separated in these situations. What proceeded over the next few weeks and months was a carefully laid out action plan to protect and support Emma from ten years of emotional and spiritual abuse.
Prior to meeting with me, the husband had leveraged meetings with ecclesiastical leadership as ‘counseling’ in order to perpetuate his abuse. He knew his leadership was not trained to identify abuse, and so he was able to manipulate his ecclesiastical leadership. Unfortunately these loving Bishops who thought they were promoting a healthy relationship were perpetuating an environment of abuse. One of the ways the husband manipulated his leadership was that he convinced them to have him present at all meetings with his wife; this allowed him to control the narrative by fabricating, gaslighting and embellishing detailed lies. The only reason why Devon and Emma finally came to a marriage therapist was because their current Bishop was at his wits end and didn’t know what else to do after years of repeated issues. Devon reluctantly decided to see a counselor, at the insistence of his bishop, but purposely chose a male therapist—assuming he could ‘win’ me over. Fortunately for the wife, I have been trained in and have experience identifying abusive behaviors.
Navigating this discovery of abuse was a fragile line to walk as a therapist. If Devon knew I was on to him, he could invent an elaborate lie to either switch therapists or stop seeing a therapist altogether. Inherently, as a therapist and a human-being, I desired the safety and well-being of Emma. In short, I’m happy to say that Emma was able to eventually distance herself from the husband, heal, and learn to see and identify these dangerous behaviors. It wasn’t a fast and easy process for her, but I am happy to report that she is now thriving, self-aware, and learning how to live within healthy boundaries.
Betrayal trauma—and abuse of any kind—needs to be taken seriously and navigated by those who are experienced with this type of abuse. What is so dangerous about emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, and betrayal is that it is hard to put your finger on it. The abuser usually has spent years crafting lies and stories, leading the abused individual to struggle with identifying reality. If you feel you are in a relationship like this, trust your gut. Additionally, I would recommend reading Dr. Susan Forward’s book Emotional Blackmail which I’ve linked at the end of the article. You can also find a summary of the book’s concepts here: Emotional Blackmail website: Out of the F.O.G.
For the Ecclesiastical leaders, friends, and family reading this: you can support your loved ones by learning as much as you can about how to identify emotional, spiritual, and betrayal abuse. There is a significant amount of research and information available now and I’ve linked to some of those resources at the end of this article. While there are many good resources, there are also significant amounts of really bad and dangerous information. Unfortunately, there are many betrayal trauma therapists and support groups, which I believe are well-intended—but they fail to adequately distinguish abuse from maladaptive relationships.
Over the years I have worked with many couples who have experienced betrayal. There are few things in a relationship that are more devastating than to discover your loved one has been unfaithful. Fortunately for a large majority of those I've worked with, the betrayal and abuse have not been as severe as Devon and Emma’s, and not only was healing experienced but a thriving marriage became possible.
However, for those couples who struggled to experience healing and eventually separated—there was one common factor. Even with all the complexities involved in betrayal and recovery, the consistent factor in each case was the wife* was seeing a "betrayal trauma" therapist or following a betrayal trauma support group. More specifically, when the betrayed partner views the betrayal in the context of betrayal trauma theories, the betrayer is villainized with little or no opportunity to improve, change, or repent of their behavior. Furthermore, the couple is further divided with little to no skills learned or acquired in order to overcome and work together through the betrayal successfully.
*I emphasize “wife” here not to perpetuate stereotypes, but to reflect on the fact that the large majority of these support groups are female-centric.
As an advocate of support groups, I'm a huge believer in finding groups to help navigate a variety of mental health issues. However—from my professional experience and research—it appears that for a majority of betrayal trauma counselors and support groups, the good they are offering is too frequently drowned out by toxic or harmful views. In a recent broadcast by “Rethinking Porn Addiction,” Nate and Angilyn Bagley share their personal experience with betrayal along with some of the best experts on the topic. They discovered how viewing their partner through a betrayal trauma lens was doing more harm than good for them individually and as a couple.
I am sure there are exceptions out there, but from a deep dive into multiple programs and interviews, there is a visible pattern of skewed and misrepresented psychology. Some groups and/or individuals have even outright declared that only women can experience betrayal. In most cases these groups escalate trauma in the wife, promote unhealthy stereotypes, and demonize the husband. I want to be clear—I am not categorically saying all betrayal trauma therapists and groups are harmful, but caution must be used in what resources and therapist to use. In a podcast with Anarie we discussed the benefits of betrayal trauma work and how to find the right resources; learn more here: Betrayal Trauma: Anarie's Journey and Betrayal Trauma: Anarie's Definition of Success.
The psychological construct that is often in these groups is taught as a dogmatic narrative. The husband can never be good enough and regardless of the husband’s desire to heal and improve—they are viewed as gaslighters, narcissists, and horrible people. Although we are never responsible for other’s behavior, these groups promote a discouraging concept that husbands have no right to be hurt or negatively influenced by the wife's abusive behavior. These groups for the most part do not educate or encourage improved relationship behavior, rather cold and harsh criticism under the guise of “boundaries”. In fact, I am confident that anyone who has been through betrayal trauma counseling will label this very post as arrogant, manipulative, and gaslighting.
The term ‘gaslighting’ has almost completely lost its meaning due to various definitions or uses ranging from the wide and loosely applied description given to anyone accidentally misspeaking, to identifying literal gaslighters whose entire purpose is to make one feel and believe they are sick and crazy. The term ‘gaslight’ has become a catch-all phrase and is weaponized to the point that people accuse others of gaslighting because they disagree with them. Other terms like narcissist and sociopath are quickly becoming overused to describe people who experience any emotion differently. My heart breaks over seeing mothers in these betrayal trauma groups refer to their difficult teenager as ‘gaslighting’ and struggling spouses attempting to emotionally connect as abusers. The sad irony is that those who misuse the term ‘gaslighting’ are often the ones doing the very thing they are labeling and accusing others of doing.
Alfred MacDonald has one of the best explanations of the misuse of gaslighting, in his article, “Gaslighting: what it isn’t”:
If you wish to apply gaslighting to a set of behaviors, simply discrediting someone’s emotions doesn’t qualify as gaslighting. The litmus test for gaslighting by all authoritative definitions has been a dishonest and manipulative attempt to deny reality to the person on the receiving end of gaslighting. So, for example, an attempt to make that person believe that actions which most certainly happened haven’t actually happened. You can understand how some people would get the impression that calling someone crazy qualifies as this, because someone could say “you’re crazy, that never happened” — but merely telling someone they are being dramatic does not qualify as abuse, in any way, nor does telling someone they are being too sensitive qualify as abuse on its own.
Let me reiterate: no matter what you define gaslighting as, telling someone they are being dramatic or too sensitive or that they can’t take a joke in no way, shape or form qualifies as abuse on its own. Even repeatedly. There must be an aspect of denial of a factual event integrated with the accusations of oversensitivity.
To clarify what I mean by “denial of a factual event”, I have constructed a set of examples to distinguish between actual gaslighting and not gaslighting at all.
Actual gaslighting: A wife witnesses her husband cheating on her. He starts an ongoing campaign to make her believe this event was false and that her perception of reality is incorrect. “No, you’re crazy.” When she insists that she saw what she saw, he retorts with “why are you being so emotional?”
Not gaslighting: A husband repeatedly tells jokes that offend his wife. “Why are you being so sensitive?”, he asks. “You take offense to things way too easily.” She starts to doubt her own judgment — but not because of any abusive reason.
Actual gaslighting: A boyfriend and girlfriend are having an intense argument when he hits her repeatedly. Several days later, she calls the police, but there is no proof. He insists that she is delusional to the police. When she confronts him about this in private, he insists that she imagined it, and repeatedly calls her crazy for recalling the event. She begins to doubt her own memory.
Not gaslighting: James is dating Rebecca, whose political ideology he opposes. James frequently comments on Rebecca’s articles with dramatic and overblown emotional language. Rebecca insists that he’s being overly emotional, and that he should stop doing that. He says she’s trying to diminish the importance of his point by gaslighting him.
Actual gaslighting: A son witnesses his mom snorting meth in the pantry, when he previously did not know his mom did drugs at all. Since this event is so anomalous, he has a hard time believing it. She insists that he imagined it — she was just dusting the pantry. But since this image was so vivid, he insists he believed it. She starts to discredit his statement, saying that he is delusional, that he is too emotional, and that he doesn’t have a grip on reality. He begins to doubt his own sense of reality and she uses this as a basis for additional lies.
It is heartbreaking to see couples who have experienced heartache and betrayal get led down a path of escalating trauma from support groups who claim to help individuals heal from trauma. For example, ‘Jason’ came to me, weighed down by his guilt that he was having romantic thoughts of another woman at work. There was never any inappropriate conversation, nor inappropriate behavior on his part. However, while at work one day he was wondering why he was feeling attracted to this coworker which led him to a series of thoughts that made him realize how distant he and his wife had become over 20 years. He craved meaningful conversations and felt dismissed by his wife a lot. On many occasions, he attempted to open his heart to her but she never engaged. Knowing he needed to figure out how to reconnect with his wife ‘Laural’, he decided to bring her to counseling. They quickly made connections with some basic guidance and psychoeducation. With some minor and expected difficulty, both Jason and Laural were on a path to a new and improved relationship. However, what success they gained was quickly reversed when Laural’s individual counselor told her she was betrayed by Jason and that he had had an “emotional affair.”
Laural and Jason went from rekindling love and flourishing in weekly date nights to Laural setting firm boundaries and impossible expectations. Over the course of a year, Laurel’s behavior would escalate to spying on Jason, accusing him of seeing this coworker, and reporting to authorities that she was concerned he might kill her and the kids. Jason was not, nor had he ever been, a violent person. Aside from mild to high frustration with work and raising kids, he has never been aggressive in any way to indicate she or the kids were in danger. But because Laural had been learning about covert narcissism and how the “good guys” are the most dangerous, she began to view Jason through a distorted lens. Any time Jason attempted to meet Laural’s expectations, he was accused of manipulating her. Whenever he failed to meet Laural’s expectations, she accused him of not caring.
While each relationship is different, Laural and Jason's example is not the exception or rarity. Both Jason and Laural had very different communication styles and they both came from very different family cultures—but they were two great people who had an opportunity to change and improve their relationship. Instead of viewing Jason’s humbling discovery as an opportunity to reset and rediscover each other, his discovery was viewed as an impossible obstacle to overcome. It’s essential to learn healthy boundaries, identify red flags, and to NEVER tolerate abusive behavior. But it is equally important to learn healthy marital connection, vulnerability, and recovery; which help identify red flags and establish healthy boundaries. These can be taught parallelly in a productive way. Focusing on betrayal only increases toxic behavior from both partners, in a self-fulling way. Focusing on recovery only runs the risk of ignoring dangerous behavior.
Marriage and parenting are, in my opinion, two of the most ill-prepared activities we humans engage in. Yet we demand our spouses to be expert communicators, lovers, and partners. When marriages get tough, many couples seem to expect far more from each other than they ever have examples of doing. It doesn’t matter what 20-plus years of family origin culture, triggers, and poor coping skills each has lived with—couples demand so much, so quickly, with little or no understanding of how to have to a good marriage. Furthermore, couples often have a skewed or unrealistic view of what a healthy loving marriage looks and feels like.
Betrayal should never happen—and there are definitely individuals who are narcissists and need to be cut off—but the large majority, at least in my experience, of those who experience betrayal in some way are good people and/or couples who have suffered from years of unhealthy communication, clashing of family cultures, poor understanding of sexual health, and a lack of knowledge for how to get quality help. Everyone deserves an opportunity to heal and thrive. Great marriages can leverage difficult experiences, including betrayal, to reshape their partnership into something more positive than they ever knew could happen. I have seen it repeatedly.
Again, I am not discouraging all betrayal trauma groups or therapists. I’ve spoken to a few who have found great value in these resources, without allowing it to become the lens they viewed their spouse through. They equally pursued engaging and healthy improvements—as a team—in their marriage.
If you have had a positive experience with a betrayal therapist or group, I would appreciate your referral/recommendation so I can add to a list of trusted therapists.
If you’re interested in learning more about recovering from betrayal or other hurtful relationship problems in a healthy way, please feel free to reach out.
Schedule Daniel for a presentation at your Ward, Stake or Conference.
Additional resources:
Summary of Book and additional resources:
Here is a summary of the book: "Emotional Blackmail" patterns.
Find the full book here: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Emotional Blackmail website: Out of the F.O.G.
Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationships
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
Because I Loved Her, I Left Her
Anonymous Question Series:
The following two questions are so similar that I chose to include them both in this response. I will be speaking in terms of divorce, but these concepts are equally applicable to "break ups" before marriage and within engagements.
Q: When do you suggest that a problematic/troubled partnership separate? Or stay together?
Q: How do you successfully break up with someone that you see no potential with?
A: The quick answer, with love.
_______________________________________________
I left my wife because I loved her.
The following is true and personal. I hesitate to share this 1) because the experience isn't mine alone and 2) it's a sacred and vulnerable experience. Sharing this experience opens the door for much judgment and misperception. Additionally, in sharing something so personal, there is an acknowledged risk of bias in my recounting of these experiences, and I fear I may misrepresent others’ perspectives. As such, I am openly acknowledging the following as my perspective alone. Despite these risks, I felt a clear impression to share these things. There are so many lonely and hurting souls who don't have a loving example of healthy break ups, that I would feel selfish not to share. Divorce and breakups are never easy, but they are also a taboo topic and few know how to navigate them, and fewer with a healthy perspective. With that, I hope my experience guides those who are currently struggling, hurt, and alone to a more loving and healthy path.
For the first time in my 13 years of married life, I lay next to my wife with peace and clarity I'd never felt before — at least not to this degree.
There had never been a time when I didn't love my wife, although life presented challenges and pain I never thought possible. Those challenges and the associated pain often proved my character, while at other times it revealed — with heart-wrenching clarity — my weaknesses. Nonetheless, my love, devotion, loyalty, and hope never wavered in our marriage. In fact, they deepened with each new challenge and blessing. But with each new challenge and blessing, I felt our relationship becoming more distant and lonely.
How is it that marriage could be so painful and lonely? Our stake president once told us, "I don't understand. I see two smart and worthy people who are fighting for a good marriage." I too didn't understand, but what I felt was pain and loneliness during this time. No matter how much faith, prayer, fasting, temple attendance, service, scripture reading, or selflessness was given, the relationship seemed to get worse. It didn't make any sense.
Knowing that there I was lying in bed next to my love, my wife of 13 years and the mother of our two children. I was feeling peace and clarity I had not previously felt in our relationship. These feelings didn't come because we made a "breakthrough" in our marriage and felt connected and joyful, but because it was then I knew it was time to leave. As we held each other close, tearfully discussing the path forward, it was ironically the easiest discussion I felt we had had in our married life.
In order to not inappropriately discuss too sacred of personal experiences, I will share the doctrinal concept that God answers all prayers, James 1:5. The decision to end the marriage was made in serious fasting and prayer. It was entirely a spiritual decision; in no way was it a flippant decision, but one involving God in the process. There was no infidelity, "sin" or behavior that is otherwise viewed as "sufficient" to leave a marriage. I emphasize this fact only to clearly communicate that this was completely a decision I made with my Father in Heaven. Although unhealthy behaviors existed within our marriage, the decision was made between the Lord and me, not me running away from the behaviors.
To this point, and in response to the questions asked above, there are quite a few toxic myths and traditions in our culture that cause us to distance ourselves from God.
The assumption that divorce is not really an option
The idea that divorce is only a consideration if abuse and infidelity occur
The feeling that divorce is equivalent to a failed marriage or relationship
The fear that divorce is perceived as an easy way out or a form of giving up
These myths are devices used by the adversary to prevent heavenly communication with your Father in Heaven. These myths make the assumption that God will not tell you to leave your spouse, that divorce is only acceptable if a spouse becomes so dangerous that their behavior has essentially ended the relationship already or has put you and the family at risk. Where is the joy and agency in these perspectives?
Myth One — Divorce is not an option
Divorce is absolutely an option.
There is a notion that if someone believes divorce is an option, it’s somehow synonymous with rejecting the marriage covenants and -furthermore- a belief in divorce will prevent them from “fighting” for their marriage. If this were true, I assure you there would be bigger issues within the individual and relationship than their ability to "choose" marriage first. If these unhealthy issues are present, a mantra, a belief, or a moral standard that divorce is not an option will only foster resentment, feelings of isolation, and in some cases a feeling of being a prisoner. It's very common for individuals who believe divorce is not an option to privately hope that illness or a crisis like a car accident will take their spouse from them. Some may even privately hope the same would happen to themselves just to be free from the relationship. Depending on how toxic the relationship becomes, some spouses will add to the toxic behavior by setting their spouse up for failure. They do this by withdrawing, denying sex and intimacy, becoming passive-aggressive, and/or constantly finding fault with their spouse. Ironically, due to the natural human need to feel a connection, in a marriage where divorce is not an option, the person setting their spouse up for failure may end up seeing them seek companionship elsewhere - or succumbing to that temptation themselves. By participating in the toxic behavior, the spouse actually exacerbated the issue at hand, which leads to myth two (divorce is only an option in cases of abuse or infidelity).
For example, a young wife came into my office expressing suicidal thoughts, feelings of depression and anxiety, and her absence of joy in living the gospel. She was doing her best, doing everything she could to have the Spirit and love of God in her life. She felt that her depression was a function of her biology and considered getting medicated. Before we explored that option, we explored her relationship with her spouse. There were significant conflict and emotional distress. Her husband was a good man who also struggled with his own weaknesses. These were two good people who were "fighting" for their marriage. In a sincere desire to support and encourage her in her marriage, priesthood leaders would frequently say things like, “Divorce isn't an option,” “Don't consider it,” “Work hard,” and "Don't give up on him.”
In her mind this was logical, but also created a feeling of despair and resentment that was like quicksand. She wanted to do the "right thing" and therefore pushed aside her feelings as her just being "selfish" and "unrighteous."
She shared her "resolve" to not give up, using incongruent optimism (the words were optimistic but her affect was depressive). I then asked her why she wouldn’t divorce him. She looked at me with a little confusion, but also with some curiosity and asked, "Why would you say that?" She quickly added, "Aren't you suppose to encourage me to stay married?"
I replied, “No, my professional responsibility is to improve individual health and happiness. If that leads to a stronger, happier marriage, that is wonderful, but if it leads you to move on from an unhealthy relationship, that is also wonderful. Either way, you get the choice to stay or go. That is not my choice. It's yours with God.”
She broke down in tears and asked, "I get a choice?!"
“Yes,” I said. “Isn't that the agency you were blessed with? The power of owning your authenticity and identity?”
"I've always been told I made a covenant and can't ever back out of that choice. It made me feel trapped and lonely, like my spouse can say, do and act in any way he wants because he knows I can't leave," she tearfully explained.
Again, I calmly but confidently reassured her, "You get a choice. That choice is between you and God."
Something interesting happened. She came back the next session excited and hopeful. Her whole countenance changed, she expressed feeling joy for the first time in years. But get this, she said she decided to stay in the marriage.
What changed? She made a real choice with God. She felt empowered and was able to own her decision because it WAS her decision. Some may say she always had a choice. Maybe so, but when you are told over and over that it's not an option, you stop making it an option. When you stop making it an option, you don't really choose. When you don't choose, you secretly and sometimes openly wish for death to take you or your spouse away, to free you from that decision.
The doctrinal mistake people are making here is to not use their agency, to not counsel with their Heavenly Father and decide with Him — together — what is best. It has nothing to do with "breaking a covenant"; it's the fact that they are not choosing for themselves the next step, not recognizing that they even have the right to choose. Not embracing our agency is the greater sin. The entire Plan of Salvation was provided for us to have agency. Father's plan was for us to have the chance to choose "wrong," ergo the Atonement was also provided. Not using our agency and the Atonement is a rejection of His plan. Too many are so afraid to "make the wrong choice" that they make no choice at all. This places them in darkness where the Atonement feels distant and hope dissipates. No wonder those who give up their agency experience depression and anxiety.
It is no surprise that clients who learn to embrace their agency often find they have the ability to choose to joyfully remain in their marriages, where otherwise they would have either left or stayed out of fear. But again, it's not about me convincing them to stay or leave. If they choose to leave, that is their choice, not mine. When individuals feel compelled, forced, or are convinced there is no other option, they experience increasing resentment.
Myth Two — Divorce only if abuse exists
If abuse is present, you waited too long.
Meaning, you deserve better and this has gone on far too long already.
"Satan uses your abuse to undermine your self-confidence, destroy trust in authority, create fear, and generate feelings of despair. Abuse can damage your ability to form healthy human relationships. You must have faith that all of these negative consequences can be resolved; otherwise, they will keep you from full recovery. While these outcomes have powerful influence in your life, they do not define the real you.
Satan will strive to alienate you from your Father in Heaven with the thought that if He loved you He would have prevented the tragedy ...
To find relief from the consequences of abuse, it is helpful to understand their source. Satan is the author of all of the destructive outcomes of abuse. He has extraordinary capacity to lead an individual into blind alleys where the solution to extremely challenging problems cannot be found. His strategy is to separate the suffering soul from the healing attainable from a compassionate Heavenly Father and a loving Redeemer.
If you have been abused, Satan will strive to convince you that there is no solution." —Richard G. Scott, To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse
Abuse is a dangerous place to get to in a relationship. If experienced, it distorts our perceptions of our Father's love for us, our perception of human relationships, and even our ability to use the Atonement within our own lives. Abuse should never be tolerated in ANY degree within relationships. Abuse can be verbal, emotional, spiritual and physical. I have heard people say, if my spouse ever did ... to me, I would leave. Why would the Lord design a plan or commandment that would require severe abuse to be the only reason for divorce? Why do we wait until a relationship becomes so toxic and dangerous, to only then begin to consider divorce? If you have children, what are you teaching them? If you don't have children, what message are you communicating to yourself about what is acceptable in a relationship?
For many years, I convinced myself that I must "long suffer" in my marriage and "endure to the end." There was hope that my spouse would "change," only to realize that my tolerating of the toxic behavior and me staying in it was merely enabling the unhealthy behavior and giving permission for it to continue. I was essentially teaching my children that "love" was to be abused and to accept abuse. When in fact, to honor the eternal marriage covenant is, in part, to teach our children how to love and be loved in God's way. Generations of youth have been taught that abusive relationships are acceptable and are a normal part of marriage, that unhealthy and unhappy parents are to remain in abusive or unloving relationships for "the sake of the kids."
"Men [and women] are, that they might have joy" is a concept I believe we fail to understand, embrace, and teach to our children.
Myth Three — Divorce is equivalent to a failed marriage
Another form of denying agency is to view marriage as "failed." This is a ridiculous notion and is toxic at its core.
To say marriage has failed suggests that both people in the relationship can control each other, that one spouse's behavior is a reflection of the other's "righteousness" or "unrighteousness." This can be said in a different way: "Through my righteousness, I can 'control' my spouse's behavior. If their behavior doesn't change as a result of my prayers, fasting, obedience, and sacrifice, then I must not have been faithful or righteous enough to save the marriage. Therefore, I have failed the marriage."
Sounds silly and a bit arrogant when written out, doesn't it? Now, think about how many actually view marriage that way, and then notice how that line of thinking — I argue — is similar to emotional and spiritual abuse.
It also suggests that someone failed or both individuals failed in the marriage. This is dangerous thinking and it does no good to entertain it. This line of thought isolates individuals and children of divorced parents. When my own divorce became public, those who knew me for many years made an assumption that I did something horribly wrong to cause the marriage to end. I'm not entirely clear why they came to that conclusion, other than they were influenced by a societal stereotype that women leave abusive men or that divorces are a result of men being unfaithful. With the exception of a couple of people, I was fortunate not to experience this form of judgment publicly. What was more difficult was the absence of help during the difficult and lonely time of separation. As a single father working full time, I didn't get the support that is traditionally given to women in that same situation: meals, babysitting or emotional support. Fortunately, I did have amazing home teachers at the time who were as supportive as they could be in their visits.
The view that divorce is a failed marriage affects the children in negative ways too. Each of my three step-daughters experienced this first hand.
In my current marriage and family, we consider each child our own full son and daughter and refer to them as such. But, for clarity's sake in the following examples, I refer to my daughters as step-daughters.
A friend of my middle step-daughter found out that she was a child of divorced parents and promptly assumed she needed comforting. In his attempt to sympathize with her he said, "I am sorry you come from a broken home." She was startled when she heard this comment from her friend. She was deeply confused by it and replied passionately, "My home isn't broken!" Never had she been happier and felt more loved than after her parents separated. Before the divorce, her parents' marriage relationship didn't allow her parents to connect with her or with her sisters. After the divorce, the result was a uniting of the relationships between parent and child, and therefore an increase of joy. The divorce allowed my step-daughter to develop a more loving and connected relationship with both of her parents. Because of this, she was seriously surprised anyone would make such an observation (brash assumption that divorce could only be so negative and not be fulfilling a need within the family as a whole).
My two oldest step-daughters, while in a seminary class, were both taught that their parents did "not keep their temple covenants" because they got a divorce. That mindset implies it's a serious sin to God to get divorced. This interaction during class both deeply troubled my middle step-daughter and angered her because she she was being taught that one or both of her parents were "wicked" and did something horrible to end the marriage. Fortunately, she was mature and loving about her response and said, "I have a problem with that." She asked her teacher for further clarification. To the teacher's credit, he did his best to explain what he believed—but ultimately, left her troubled and unclear on the topic.
My oldest step-daughter also experienced the judgment of others assuming that divorce could only be a negative thing but in a more abusive way. When her boyfriend was experiencing jealousy, he told her he didn't want her to have friends outside of their relationship. He accused her of being unable to commit to him because she came "from a broken family," insinuating that she didn't know how to be in a relationship with him due to her parents being divorced. He used similar language later when she recognized their relationship was not working and needed to end it.
These specific incidents occurred because individuals boldly judged a situation incorrectly. Unfortunately, the social stigma is prevalent within society and even within our faith. Children often see themselves as the cause or reason for their parents’ divorce and that they have become a "statistic" of a broken home, more likely to repeat their parents' behavior in their own relationships.
I wonder if this has lead to individuals delaying marriage? What if the need to separate can be viewed as a healthy alternative to living in a toxic relationship? What if we taught ourselves and our children that a successful marriage is one in which you haven't lost yourself nor lost your relationship with God? Thriving in your relationship with God might mean leaving a toxic marriage you have no control over.
Myth Four — Divorce is an easy way out
Anyone who says divorce is "an easy way out" is profoundly ignorant and dismissive.
Individuals who tend to say divorce is an easy way out, fall into a pattern of the first two myths.
They fear to use their own agency or "give up" on their spouse
They view divorced couples as weak and unloving
After all, we promised to "endure all things" with our spouses, but that does not include abuse.
One divorcee observed,
"People who make this claim about divorce have clearly never been through it or they would never say such a thing. I don't know a woman [or man] out there who has been through a divorce and didn't fight with everything she had to save her marriage. I guarantee you, leaving or being left was the scariest and bravest thing she had to go through.
Those on the outside may see this decision as being rash and quick because they didn't share the same four walls in which the couple changed, fought, and tried. It's not a "get out of jail free" card. You do not pass go, do not collect $200, nor do you ride off into the sunset. It affects you deeply and for the rest of your life.
The pain you feel during this time is like no other. So nobody gets to sit on the sidelines and say you took the easy way out.
Every time you look at your kids or see another family holding hands crossing the street as you sit alone in your car, you are constantly reminded of how hard you fought and how much you gave and how it still wasn't enough." —Katie Smith, I Really Wish People Would Stop Saying Divorce Is the Easy Way Out.
Here’s another:
"When I first started telling people about the divorce, a lot of responses I got were the "choosing love" idea. But it takes two people for a relationship to work. It takes trust, communication, openness, and honesty — things my ex and I had lost or never had.
Divorce is an incredibly personal, difficult decision. And what it comes down to is that no one, but the people in it, knows the dynamics of the relationship. When we first made the decision, I had my week of crying, of freaking out, of feeling lost. But then I gathered myself up and started working towards making the best life I can for myself and my kid. Many people took my pragmatic, positive attitude as either not caring or the divorce being solely my decision. I know there are a lot of people out there who are disappointed in me, but if I've learned anything from becoming a mother, and now going through a divorce, it's that I can't control how other people act or what they say. I can control how I react and how those things make me feel.
I'm learning that it's okay for me to do what I know is best for my family, despite what others think." —Rachael, On divorce and the "you just didn't try hard enough" myth
There was NOTHING easy about my divorce. Even with the knowledge, I had from God to proceed with the divorce and feeling his hand in my life through the process, the intensity of this refiner's fire was more than I had ever experienced. It tried me, it tested me, it strengthened me, and it crushed me. There were times I felt the Spirit stronger than I had ever felt before, but there were also times I felt despair I'd never thought possible. There were times I felt more love for my ex-wife than I had ever felt for her.
I chose divorce out of love. I did not hate my ex-wife, nor did I think she was wicked or sinful or dangerous. I chose divorce because when looking at all the options, this was the most loving thing I could choose.
Too many turn their spouses into monsters to make it palatable to leave, to justify their "giving up." I don't take divorce lightly, but when we view divorce as an absolute no, we remove choice and foster resentment, we wander in darkness and wish for other acceptable ways out. Own your choices. Know your limits. Trust your relationship with God. Recognize that sometimes the most loving thing to do is to leave.
See also:
Book: Real Love
Subdivisions in the Celestial Kingdom
Book: Exploring Mormon Thought: The Problems With Theism And the Love of God
(vol. 2) by Blake T. Ostler
Additional Resources
Facebook Group "Improving Intimacy in Mormon Marriages"