Sexless Marriage Counseling
A sexless marriage rarely starts with a decision. It starts with a busy season, an unspoken hurt, a rejection that stung more than anyone admitted — and then months become years. I’m Daniel A. Burgess, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in sexual health, and helping couples out of this exact pattern is the center of my practice.
Does this sound familiar?
- You can’t remember the last time you were intimate — or you can, and that’s worse.
- One of you wants more; the other feels pressured, broken, or numb. Both of you feel alone.
- Every attempt to talk about it turns into defensiveness, tears, or a week of distance.
- You’re affectionate roommates — good co-parents, decent friends — and quietly grieving the rest.
- Faith taught you that sex would take care of itself in marriage. It didn’t, and now the silence feels like failure.
- You’ve wondered whether something is medically wrong, morally wrong, or wrong with the marriage itself.
Here’s what I want you to hear first: sexless marriages are common, they’re treatable, and neither of you is broken. Desire problems are almost never about attraction alone — they’re about safety, resentment, exhaustion, shame, biology, and learned beliefs about what sex is for. All of those can change.
What sexless marriage counseling actually involves
This is specialized work, not generic communication coaching. Together we identify what’s actually maintaining the distance — desire discrepancy, unresolved resentment, sexual pain or dysfunction, pornography conflict, shame from a high-demand religious upbringing, medical and hormonal factors, or plain old avoidance that has hardened into habit. Then we rebuild deliberately: emotional safety first, then touch without pressure, then honest conversations about what each of you actually wants, then a sexual relationship designed by the two of you rather than inherited from fear or scripts.
Because so many of my clients come from Latter-day Saint and other high-expectation religious backgrounds, I’m particularly attentive to how purity culture teaches people — especially women — to suppress desire for decades and then feel defective when it doesn’t reappear on the wedding night. If that’s part of your story, you may also want to read about my work in religious trauma and purity culture recovery, or the “Don’t Touch” series on the blog.
What the work looks like
- Free 15-minute consult. You tell me what’s happening; I tell you honestly whether I’m the right fit.
- Assessment (1–2 sessions). We map the pattern: history, health factors, beliefs, and the cycle you’re both stuck in. Naming it accurately is half the relief.
- Structured rebuilding. Weekly 50-minute telehealth sessions with specific between-session practices — graduated touch, communication exercises, and desire work drawn from current sex-therapy research.
- Maintenance. As momentum builds, we taper sessions and make sure the changes are yours to keep.
Therapy or coaching?
Therapy (telehealth for clients in Utah, California, and Idaho) is the right container when trauma, betrayal, pain disorders, depression, or long-entrenched patterns are involved. Coaching (available worldwide) suits couples who mainly need education, structure, and skilled guidance. Either way you’re working with a licensed clinician who specializes in sexual health — not a certificate-course coach — so if deeper issues surface, we don’t have to start over with someone new. See also LDS couples therapy and how online sessions work.
Why work with me
I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist with a master’s in clinical psychology, over a decade of teaching and presenting on sexuality, and a clinical practice focused specifically on desire, intimacy, and faith. I host the Improving Intimacy podcast and founded one of the largest online communities for sexual health in the Latter-day Saint world — which means the situations that feel unspeakable to you are conversations I have every single day.
Frequently asked questions
How long is “too long” without intimacy?
There’s no magic number — what matters is whether the pattern distresses one or both of you. Researchers often define a sexless marriage as intimacy fewer than ten times a year, but the real question is the growing distance, not the count.
My spouse won’t come. Can I start alone?
Yes — and it’s one of the most common starting points. One partner changing their steps changes the dance. Many reluctant spouses join later, once they see the work is fair and shame-free.
Is the low-desire partner the problem?
No. Desire discrepancy is a couple’s dynamic, not one person’s defect. Treating the lower-desire partner as “the patient” is both unkind and clinically wrong — and it’s usually part of what’s keeping you stuck.
Could it be medical?
Sometimes, in part — hormones, medications, pain conditions, and health changes all matter. I’ll help you identify what deserves a medical workup alongside the relational work, and coordinate with your physician where useful.
We’re religious. Will you respect our values?
Yes. I work within the values you choose — active LDS, post-LDS, mixed, or neither. Nothing in this work requires violating your convictions; most of it is simply learning to talk honestly with each other.
What does it cost?
Fees depend on whether we’re doing therapy or coaching and the format. We’ll review costs during your free 15-minute consultation.