The belief change is one thing. Telling people is another. Most people navigating an LDS faith transition report that the conversations — with kids, parents, in-laws, and the ward — were harder than the deconstruction itself. I’m Daniel A. Burgess, LMFT. I’ve guided many families through these disclosures, and made my own. Here’s the practical playbook.
The principles that govern every disclosure
- You owe honesty to your spouse, age-appropriate truth to your kids, and nothing to everyone else. Your faith journey is private information, released on your schedule, at the depth you choose.
- Tell people in order of stake in your life. Spouse first — always, and before any public signal like garments or coffee. Then children. Then parents. The ward finds out last, usually by observation rather than announcement.
- Prepare for their grief, not just your relief. You’ve had months or years to process; they’re hearing it for the first time. Their worst reaction usually comes in the first hours. Judge the relationship by month three, not day one.
Telling your children
The cardinal rule in a mixed-faith home: both parents agree on the script before anyone talks to the kids. Children can absorb “Mom and Dad believe different things about the Church, and we both love you and respect each other” remarkably well. What damages them is being recruited — asked to carry one parent’s hopes or the other’s arguments.
Age-appropriate versions: young children need only “Dad doesn’t go to church anymore, and he still loves our family more than anything.” Teenagers deserve more honesty — and will respect “I found things I couldn’t reconcile, and I’d rather live honestly than pretend” far more than evasion. Expect teens to ask hard follow-up questions about their own belief; answer with curiosity, not recruitment: “That’s yours to work out, and I’ll respect where you land — same as I hope everyone respects me.” I’ve written about how this played out in my own family in My Son Is Not Baptized and That Is Okay.
Telling your parents and in-laws
Expect the hardest reactions here — for a believing parent, your transition can feel like a verdict on their life’s work. Three things help. Lead with continuity: “I’m the same person, I hold the same values you raised me with, and I need you to know something about my faith.” Refuse the debate: “I’m not asking you to agree, and I’m not going to argue the Church’s truth claims with you — I’m asking you to stay close to me.” Set the boundary early: if every visit becomes a reactivation project, name it once, kindly, and enforce it: “If we can’t spend time together without this, we’ll have to see you less. I don’t want that.”
The ward, the bishop, and the neighbors
You are not obligated to meet with the bishop to explain yourself, though some find a single respectful conversation useful for logistics (callings, records, a spouse who’s staying). For everyone else, prepare one calm sentence and repeat it verbatim: “We’ve had some changes in how our family practices, and we’re doing really well — thanks for caring.” The verbatim repetition matters; it signals the topic is closed without hostility. Expect casseroles, ministering visits, and the occasional pointed testimony — most of it is genuine love in the only language people have. Receive the love, decline the project.
If you’re the believing spouse in this process
You get disclosure decisions too — it’s your family’s story as much as theirs. Agree together on what gets shared and by whom, especially with your own parents. And you’re allowed to say at church: “My husband’s journey is his to share. I’m still here, and we’re doing well.” Short, true, closed. (More for you in My Spouse Left the LDS Church — Now What?)
When the conversations keep going wrong
If disclosures have turned into standing conflicts — with your spouse, your teens, or your parents — a neutral third party changes the physics of the conversation. That’s what I do: faith transition counseling with no agenda for anyone’s membership, as therapy in California and Utah, or coaching anywhere. Start with a free 15-minute consult.
Working on this with someone
Disclosure conversations go wrong most often when two people are running different scripts without knowing it — and once the extended family is involved, every retelling hardens a position. Agreeing the script together, before anyone speaks, is most of the work. That is the kind of thing a neutral third party is genuinely useful for.
Mixed-faith marriage counseling →
Telehealth for clients in California and Utah.
Outside those states, or not ready for therapy? The Inner Circle has a private forum where people work through exactly these conversations under a name of their choosing — from $19 a month, open worldwide.
This article is part of the Mixed-Faith Marriage Survival Guide.
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