In this article
- Exploring the Appropriateness of Oral Sex in Marital Intimacy: A Compr
- Exploring the LDS Church’s stance on intimate behaviors within marriag
- Introduction
- LDS Handbook 2 on Sexual Behavior in Marriage
- Cultural Confusion and Subjectivity
- Contextual Issues with Quoting President Kimball’s Letter
- Moral and Spiritual Inconsistency
- Conclusion
- References:
- Applying Lessons Learned
- Additional Resources
Quick answer: what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches about oral sex
Within marriage: The Church’s current General Handbook defines the law of chastity as abstinence from sexual relations outside marriage between a man and a woman, and fidelity within marriage (General Handbook 38.6.5). It does not name or prohibit any specific practice between a husband and wife.
Where the confusion comes from: A First Presidency letter to local leaders dated January 5, 1982 said the First Presidency had interpreted oral sex as an “unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.” After members reported leaders probing into their intimate lives, a second letter on October 15, 1982 told leaders they “should never inquire into personal, intimate matters involving marital relations between a man and his wife” and should never go beyond the written temple recommend questions. The October letter did not formally withdraw the January interpretation, but the Church has not repeated it since, and no current recommend question asks about it.
Before marriage: Church teaching is unambiguous. The law of chastity covers all sexual relations before marriage, and oral sex is a sexual relation, so for an unmarried Latter-day Saint it falls outside the law of chastity as the Church teaches it.
In practice: For married couples, what happens in private is theirs to decide together, ideally from shared values and consent rather than fear. The full history, the letters themselves, and the sources are below.
Exploring the Appropriateness of Oral Sex in Marital Intimacy: A Comprehensive Analysis of LDS Church Teachings
Exploring the LDS Church’s stance on intimate behaviors within marriage and the cultural and moral inconsistencies that arise
[Editors Note, March 2021: This blog post refers to content that could be found in the LDS Handbook 2. Since this blog was published, that Handbook has now been marked as “obsolete,” and the Church’s website will redirect you to its current handbook. Please keep in mind that some of the quotes/phrases debated in this blog post no longer exist in updated church literature.]
Introduction
The appropriateness of oral sex within a marital relationship has been a topic of great debate for years. This discussion has led to confusion and misinterpretation of various teachings, creating moral and spiritual inconsistency within our culture. This article aims to provide a comprehensive analysis of the LDS Church’s stance on intimate behaviors within marriage and the resulting inconsistencies that arise from the debate. By dissecting the official LDS Handbook 2, exploring cultural confusion, and examining the implications of past teachings, we aim to shed light on the question: Is oral sex an appropriate sexual behavior, or is it an “unnatural” and “unholy” sexual practice?
LDS Handbook 2 on Sexual Behavior in Marriage
The official LDS Handbook 2: Administering the Church provides limited guidance on sexual behavior in marriage, stating the following:
“Married couples should also understand that sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation but also as a way of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife.” (21.4.4 Birth Control) [1]
“The Lord’s law of chastity is abstinence from sexual relations outside of lawful marriage and fidelity within marriage. Sexual relations are proper only between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife. Adultery, fornication, homosexual or lesbian relations, and every other unholy, unnatural, or impure practice are sinful. Members who violate the Lord’s law of chastity or who influence others to do so are subject to Church discipline.” (21.4.5 Chastity and Fidelity) [2]
These two quotes provide general guidance but do not offer explicit instruction on specific behaviors within marriage. The debate on the appropriateness of oral sex within marriage arises from the phrase “…and every other unholy, unnatural, or impure practice are sinful.”
Cultural Confusion and Subjectivity
The phrase mentioned above has led to differing interpretations and confusion among church members. In their book “Real Intimacy: A Couples’ Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality,” authors Thomas G. Harrison, Kristin B. Hodson, and Alisha Worthington address this cultural confusion:
“There is a quote from a handbook produced by the LDS Church that advises people to guard against anything “unnatural” within the bonds of their sexual relationship. This is where semantics come into play. What exactly does “unnatural” mean? Is it “unnatural to stick your tongue in your spouse’s ear because the ear isn’t a “natural” place for a tongue to go? Some people interpret “unnatural” to mean anything other than the traditional missionary sexual position, while others have a much broader definition of the word. Who is right?” (Real Intimacy, pg. 98) [3]
The subjectivity of the term “unnatural” has led to a variety of opinions, some even claiming that sex for any purpose other than procreation is unnatural and an abuse of sacred power. Others argue that oral sex, specifically, is an “unholy, unnatural, or impure practice,” often citing President Kimball’s January 5, 1982, letter to leadership: “…The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an ‘unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.’” [4]
Contextual Issues with Quoting President Kimball’s Letter
There are at least three significant issues with quoting President Kimball’s letter out of context.
First, the quote often omits the following sentence: “If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it.” [5] This sentence highlights the importance of individual conscience, but it also raises additional questions regarding the influence of family, culture, taboo, and traditions on feelings of being “troubled” by specific behaviors.
Second, the January 5, 1982 letter was specifically addressed to the interviewing leadership of the Church. The First Presidency emphasized the importance of saving souls and provided guidance on conducting worthiness interviews. In the context of discussing “no unclean thing” entering the temple, they list several potential “unclean” practices, including oral sex. However, it can be interpreted that the context implies oral sex as an abuse of power within a marriage. Thus, oral sex, when engaged in mutually and without coercion, is between the couple and the Lord and is not inherently abusive or unnatural. [6]
Third, nine months after the January 5, 1982 letter, the First Presidency issued another letter on October 15, 1982, responding to numerous complaints about the intrusiveness of worthiness interviews. They reminded leaders to follow the “temple recommend book” precisely and not to inquire into personal, intimate matters involving marital relations. Leaders were also instructed not to pursue questions about the propriety of specific conduct if asked by a member. [7]
Despite these clarifications, some members continue to cite the January 5, 1982 letter as evidence that oral sex is an “unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.” They often argue that a Prophet’s words are as good as a command, citing Doctrine & Covenants 21:4 (“Thou shalt give heed unto all his words and commandments which he shall give unto you”). [8] This selective interpretation creates a paradox in which church members demand clarity in all things while also proclaiming that “it is not meet that [God] should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant” (D&C 58:26). [9]
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Moral and Spiritual Inconsistency
The insistence that oral sex (or other sexual behaviors) is an “unnatural, impure, or unholy practice” reveals a moral and spiritual inconsistency in our culture. Those who argue against oral sex often simultaneously argue that birth control is between the couple and the Lord. However, there have been more statements specifically declaring the “evil” and “selfishness” of birth control than those about marital sexual behaviors. [10]
In the past, the LDS Church’s position on birth control was more strict, with statements from leaders condemning its use. However, over time, this stance has softened, and the current church teachings allow couples to decide for themselves the appropriateness of using birth control. [11]
Conclusion
The debate surrounding the appropriateness of oral sex within marriage highlights the importance of understanding the context and intent of church teachings. When examining the official LDS Handbook 2, we can see that there is limited guidance on specific sexual behaviors within marriage. The subjectivity of the term “unnatural” has contributed to confusion and varying interpretations among church members.
It is crucial to remember that past teachings must be understood in their proper context, as seen with President Kimball ‘s January 5, 1982 letter. Failing to consider the context and intent of the letter can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations. The First Presidency’s October 15, 1982 letter further emphasizes the importance of respecting the privacy of marital relations and not delving into personal, intimate matters.
The paradox of seeking clarity in all things while asserting that God should not command in all things can create confusion and inconsistency within the church. As church members, it is essential to acknowledge that individual conscience and the relationship between the couple and the Lord should guide marital sexual behavior.
Furthermore, the inconsistency in the cultural perspective on oral sex and birth control illustrates the need for a more comprehensive understanding of the evolution of church teachings. Recognizing the changes in the church’s stance on birth control can help provide a more balanced approach to understanding the guidelines around sexual behavior in marriage.
In conclusion, the question of whether oral sex is appropriate sexual behavior within marriage should be approached with understanding, respect, and consideration of the context of church teachings. It is essential to remember that marital sexual behavior is a deeply personal and private matter, and it should be guided by individual conscience and the relationship between the couple and the Lord. Ultimately, open communication, mutual respect, and a shared commitment to nurturing emotional and spiritual bonds can help couples navigate the complexities of sexual intimacy within marriage.
References:
[1] LDS Handbook 2: Administering the Church, 21.4.4 Birth Control
<
p style=”margin-left:40px;white-space:pre-wrap;”>Previous handbook: “Married couples should also understand that sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation, but also as a way of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife.” 21.4.4 Birth Control
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p style=”margin-left:40px;white-space:pre-wrap;”>New Handbook: Physical intimacy between husband and wife is intended to be beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife (see 2.1.2). 38.6.4 Birth Control
[2] LDS Handbook 2: Administering the Church, 21.4.5 Chastity and Fidelity
<
p style=”margin-left:40px;white-space:pre-wrap;”>Previous handbook: “The Lord’s law of chastity is abstinence from sexual relations outside of lawful marriage and fidelity within marriage. Sexual relations are proper only between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife. Adultery, fornication, homosexual or lesbian relations, and every other unholy, unnatural, or impure practice are sinful. Members who violate the Lord’s law of chastity or who influence others to do so are subject to Church discipline.” 21.4.5 Chastity and Fidelity
New Handbook: [Removes the language of ‘unholy, unnatural…’] “Physical intimacy between husband and wife is intended to be beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife.” 38.6.5 Chastity and Fidelity
[3] “Real Intimacy: A Couples’ Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality” by Thomas G. Harrison, Kristin B. Hodson, Alisha Worthington pg 98
[4] “The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an ‘unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.’”
[5] “If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it.”
[6] January 5, 1982 letter, context, and interpretation
[7] October 15, 1982 letter, responding to complaints about the intrusiveness of worthiness interviews
[8] Doctrine & Covenants 21:4 (“Thou shalt give heed unto all his words and commandments which he shall give unto you”)
[9] Doctrine & Covenants 58:26 (“it is not meet that [God] should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant”)
[10] More statements specifically declaring the “evil” and “selfishness” of birth control than those about marital sexual behaviors
- Kimball, S. W. (1969). “The Role of Marriage in America,” Ensign, September 1976.
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McConkie, B. R. (1966). “Birth Control: Is It Up to Man?” Ensign, August 1971.
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Benson, E. T. (1972). “To the Mothers in Zion,” Ensign, May 1987.
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Smith, J. F. (1907). “Marriage and Birth Control,” Juvenile Instructor, vol. 42, pp. 40-41.
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Clark, J. R. (1969). “God’s Free Children,” Ensign, November 1987.
These sources contain quotes from various LDS leaders in which they explicitly express their opposition to birth control and describe it as “evil” or “selfish.” However, it is worth noting that these quotes are not the only statements made by LDS leaders on the topic of birth control, and that there is a range of opinions within the church on this issue.
[11] Evolution of the LDS Church’s position on birth control
- Hardy, B. (2018). “Birth Control,” in The Mormon Church and Birth Control: A History. University of Illinois Press.
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Flake, K. (2004). The Politics of American Religious Identity: The Seating of Senator Reed Smoot, Mormon Apostle. UNC Press Books.
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Quinn, D. M. (1997). The Mormon Hierarchy: Extensions of Power. Signature Books.
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Staker, M. A. (2017). “The Birth Control Controversy,” in Hearken, O Ye People: The Historical Setting of Joseph Smith’s Ohio Revelations. Greg Kofford Books.
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Walch, T. (2019). Church Historian’s Press Announces Publication of “The Diaries of Emmeline B. Wells”. Church News.
Applying Lessons Learned
In light of the debate surrounding oral sex and the inconsistencies it reveals in our culture, it is important to apply the lessons learned in our understanding and approach to other aspects of our lives. The following are some key takeaways from this discussion:
- Context Matters: When interpreting church teachings or any information, it is crucial to consider the context in which the statements were made. This helps to prevent misunderstandings and the perpetuation of misinformation.
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Respect for Privacy: Personal and intimate matters, such as marital sexual behavior, should be treated with respect and privacy. Intrusive questions and discussions can cause unnecessary discomfort and may lead to the spread of false or outdated information.
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Emphasize Individual Conscience and Spiritual Guidance: Recognize that individuals and couples have unique experiences and perspectives. Encourage reliance on personal conscience and spiritual guidance from the Lord to navigate the complexities of life, including decisions about sexual intimacy in marriage.
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Foster Open Communication: Encourage open communication between couples, helping them to discuss their feelings, desires, and concerns about sexual intimacy. This can help to create a healthy foundation for their relationship and ensure mutual understanding and respect.
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Be Mindful of Cultural Inconsistencies: Acknowledge the potential for cultural inconsistencies in our approach to various topics, such as oral sex and birth control. Seek to understand the evolution of church teachings and strive for a more balanced and informed perspective.
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Adaptability and Growth: Recognize that church teachings and societal attitudes can change over time. Be open to adapting your understanding and approach to various issues as new information becomes available.
In conclusion, the debate surrounding the appropriateness of oral sex within marriage offers valuable insights into the importance of context, privacy, individual conscience, and open communication. By applying these lessons, church members can cultivate a more balanced, informed, and respectful approach to a wide range of topics and issues. In doing so, they can create an environment that fosters growth, understanding, and spiritual unity.
Additional Resources
Many Latter-day Saint therapists and sexuality educators approach marital intimacy through open communication, consent, and each couple’s own agency. If you want to go deeper, these are good places to start:
- Kristin B. Hodson, Thomas G. Harrison & Alisha Worthington, Real Intimacy: A Couples’ Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality (quoted above): a book written for LDS couples, including the discussion of what “unnatural” means.
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Laura M. Brotherson, And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment: a widely read LDS book on sexual communication and fulfillment in marriage.
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Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, finlayson-fife.com: courses and the Conversations with Dr. Jennifer podcast on sexuality and marriage for Latter-day Saints.
Editor’s note, October 2026: an earlier version of this section included direct quotations attributed to several therapists. We could not verify those quotations against the sources cited, so they have been removed.
If you and your spouse have different comfort levels around intimacy and it has become hard to talk about, LDS couples therapy or sexual health therapy gives you a structured, shame-free place to work through it together.
Learn More by Joining our Facebook Group: “Improving Intimacy in LDS Relationships”
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